I've got a terrible feeling about this show. Like, somehow the whole thing is doomed. I've got this recurring dream where I'm on stage, thousands of miles from home and the crowd has turned on me. There are thousands of them and they are all booing me and Sofia Vergara (Modern Family) is there, and so is Simon Cowell and he's slamming his fist into a red buzzer and the sound splits the air like a gunshot and the ceiling rips open and confetti rains down like debris but the booing only gets louder and louder and louder and louder and then I wake up. And ! realise that all of that actually happened to me.