There are one or two songs about love out there, and since it's Valentine's Day, we decided to round a couple up. Thing is, it's not all sunshine and rainbows (just listen to Taylor Swift 's back catalogue. Tay Tay knows). Here, we've got song suggestions for all kinds of romantic situations, whether you're loved up, breaking up or using Tinder so much your main love is evolution, since it gave you the gift of opposable thumbs.

If you're dating:
It's fresh and new. To you, even their tedious stories about their kooky workmate Linda are as poetic and meaningful as shimmering haikus. We suggest The Darkness, 'I Believe In A Thing Called Love', because it's full of optimism, joy and novelty guitar solos.

You've been going out a while, yet you still don't hate each other with the fire of 1000 suns. We suggest The Wannadies, 'You and Me', because it holds the smug promise of eternity.

You've dropped an L Bomb, and now there's an uncomfortable lack of reciprocation. We suggest The Cardigans, 'Lovefool', because it has a nice, musky air of desperation about it.

It's been years. More than once, you've found yourself googling 'misophonia' to prove that being irritated by them simply breathing is a genuine psychological condition. We suggest Ronan Keating, 'When You Say Nothing At All', because you're probably sick of hearing them yammering on.

You are trapped in a loveless bond from which there is no escape, and the sweet release of sleep is a pleasure you look forward to daily. We suggest Puddle of Mudd, 'She Hates Me', for fairly self explanatory reasons.

If you're engaged:
Nobody in the world could possibly be happier than you at this moment in time. You're like Mr Happy on prozac, sipping Pina Coladas at Disneyworld. We suggest The Dixie Cups, 'Chapel of Love', because there's a wedding to be planned, folks.

You think wistfully about a time when you didn't have a terrifying obligation in front of you, and life wasn't as heavy as your heart feels this day. We suggest: Queen, 'Too Much Love Will Kill You', because you know it, Queen knows it, and the rest of your would-be wedding party should know it too.

If you're married:
Life is a blissful safari of love, filled with matching onesies and weekly big food shops. We suggest Frank Sinatra, 'Love and Marriage', because Ol' Blue Eyes knew that a ring is a big thing.

It's alright, but you still find yourself staring at strangers on the bus as you listen to Adele's latest single, as you wonder 'what if…' We suggest Hozier, 'Someone New', because it implies you might like a change without actually suggesting you should do it.

It all went downhill once the cake was cut. You think about how you should maybe eat some cake right now. Yeah, cake would make you feel better. Cake. We suggest Rolling Stones, 'Biggest Mistake', because Jagger knows, man. Jagger knows.

If it's complicated:
You're friends with benefits, just like that film with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, and it will all definitely be absolutely fine and nobody will get hurt. We suggest Marvin Gaye, 'Sexual Healing', because when you get that feeling...

You split up, then kind of got back together, then kind of didn't, and now your friends are asking all kinds of questions and, god, who knew these people even cared? We suggest The XX, 'Heart Skipped a Beat', because you're relationship-related palpitations are a medical issue at this point.

Nobody knows you're together. If you're honest with yourself, it's the secret you're attracted to, not them. We suggest Otis Redding, 'Dark End of the Street', because that's where you always meet.

Someone's having an affair. Not cool, man. We suggest Shaggy, 'Wasn't Me', and feel ashamed that your new philosophical mentor is life is Shaggy. SHAGGY.

You reckon they're in love with someone else, with auburn hair, ivory skin and eyes of emerald green. We suggest Dolly Parton, 'Jolene'. It might help you understand some things.

You've just broken up, and heartbreak has taken you in its unyielding grasp. We suggest Celine Dion, All by Myself. Go on, have a wee wallow.

You've just broken up. It wasn't a bullet you dodged, it was a nuclear bomb. We suggest Beyonce, Best Thing I Never Had. *sassy finger snap*.

If you're single:
Tinder time. Swipe left, swipe right, swipin' swipin' all night. We suggest Foo Fighters, 'All My Life', simply for the line 'done, I'm done and on to the next one.'

You get about as much attention as a pre-planned fire drill in an industrial park. We suggest Foreigner, 'I Wanna Know What Love Is', because you really wanna know what love is.

You're getting busy, amirite *insert aubergine emoji here*. We suggest 'Get Lucky' by Daft Punk, although you feel anything but daft right now.

It's been a while. You take sex tips from your creepy pal Joel in a desperate attempt to get something going. We suggest Tenacious D, 'Fuck Her Gently'. Informative and explanatory.

You have no desire whatsoever to spend an uncomfortable evening on a bad date in Pizza Express. You'd much rather hang out with your pals. We suggest Good Charlotte, 'I Don't Wanna Be In Love'. Because that's a solid option too.

Happy listening, love bugs.