Mega-disasters, dinosaurs, strippers, zombies, tiny superheroes – the summer lineup of films has plenty to shout about and a surprisingly limited number of sequels, remakes, or reboots for us to complain about. In fact, several sequels are welcome returns – after all, who isn’t excited about Magic Mike XXL? Exactly.

So we decided it was very important business to set about putting together a long list of all the notable releases using a highly sophisticated Jurassic Park rating system of excitement:
Velociraptor = smart, fast, will eat you alive
Frankendinosaur = proceed with caution, gimmick alert

Now go forth and plan your summer viewing accordingly … (skip to PART 2)

Tomorrowland

Dir: Brad Bird
Cast: Britt Robertson, George Clooney, Judy Greer
The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, Ratatouille, MI: Ghost Protocol: Brad Bird has yet to make a bad, or even merely OK, film in his career. No, he's too busy crafting amazing action-adventure spectacles, perfect for the big screen summer, and Tomorrowland’s sci-fi mystery about a parallel world looks to be another in that mould.
Verdict: Velociraptor – you better believe it.
Out 22 May

San Andreas

Dir: Brad Peyton
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Carla Cugino, Alexandra Daddario, Ioan Gruffudd
No, this isn’t directed by Roland Emmerich, though it certainly looks like it ought to be. Disaster porn has long been summer blockbuster fodder, but of the natural disaster sub-genre (Godzilla doesn’t count) we haven’t seen anything really notable since 2012 in 2009. One thing is certain, if you’re caught up in a cataclysmic event, you better hope the Rock is working search and rescue.
Verdict: Frankendinosaur – strap yourself in for a very silly, thrilling ride.
Out 29 May

Spy

Dir: Paul Feig
Cast: Melissa McCarthy, Rose Byrne, Jason Statham, Jude Law
Melissa McCarthy’s schtick might not be for everyone, but the vehicles it rides around in are getting more and more high-powered. Teaming her up with Mr Transporter, Jude Law’s toupee and Rose Byrne (no smart names, she’s too good) has heaps of promise, certainly much more than Luke Wilson and Eddie Murphy in I-Spy.
Verdict: Frankendinosaur – bring your funny bone.
Out 5 Jun

Jurassic World

Dir: Colin Trevorrow
Cast: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D’Onofrio, Judy Greer
The step up from Safety Not Guaranteed to Jurassic World is considerable for Colin Trevorrow, but after a decade in development hell we’re finally getting a return to the dino-theme park on Isla Nublar, with added genetically-enhanced dinosaurs and Chris Pratt, dino-whisperer. It could be amazing, it could also be Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Redux.
Verdict: Frankendinosaur – literally.
Out 12 Jun

Entourage

Dir: Doug Ellin
Cast: Adrian Grenier, Jeremy Piven, Rounda Rousey, Kevin Dillon
Whether or not you watched the Hollywood adventures of Vincent Chase, Ari Gold and co during their eight season run, it’s unlikely that you’ll be precluded from joining in the fun now (though you’ll probably miss a few in-jokes). Star cameos from Liam Neeson, Calvin Harris, Jessica Alba, George Takei, Armie Hammer, Tom Brady and, of course, Mark Wahlberg.
Verdict: Velociraptor – a big screen outing for a television show about making it to the big screen.
Out 19 Jun

Mr Holmes

Dir: Bill Condon
Cast: Ian McKellan, Laura Linney, Hiroyuki Sanada
Have the adventures of Sherlock Holmes ever been hotter? From Steven Moffat’s Sherlock to US adaptation Elementary with Johnny Lee Miller, the detective’s skills are in high demand. Mr Holmes offers a whole new angle, doing for Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s character what Shakespeare In Love did for Romeo & Juliet.
Verdict: Velociraptor – Sir Ian McKellen rarely puts a foot wrong.
Out 19 Jun

Comet

Dir: Sam Esmail
Cast: Justin Long, Emmy Rossum, Kayla Servi
Okay romantics, we’ve got the date movie of the year marked. With its charming lead actors and magic-infused meet cute, Comet certainly looks a lot like similar hip roms like (500) Days of Summer and Garden State.
Verdict: Velociraptor – come on you curmudgeons, love a little.
Out 3 Jul

Magic Mike XXL

Dir: Gregory Jacobs
Cast: Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello, Elizabeth Banks, Amber Heard
Channing Tatum can do no wrong, this is known. So if Channing Tatum wants to make a stripper sequel to Magic Mike, he should do that even though we’re still waiting for him to return to the Step Up series – side note, could he do for that what Vin Diesel did for F&F? Anyway, chiselled bodies, road trip, screaming women etc etc. Should be a blast.
Verdict: Velociraptor – not recommended for those with heart conditions.
Out 3 Jul

Terminator: Genisys

Dir: Alan Taylor
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Emilia Clarke, Jai Courtney, JK Simmons
Time has been so meddled with at this point in the Terminator series that we aren’t even sure if this is a sequel or a reboot or a remake. Either way, Arnie is in it, and so is the mother of dragons. The Terminatrix, thankfully, is not.
Verdict: Frankendinosaur – looks like great fun, but time travel is a fickle mistress.
Out 3 Jul

Ted 2

Dir: Seth MacFarlane
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Seth MacFarlane, Amanda Seyfried, Liam Neeson
If you enjoyed the first buddy comedy with Wahlberg and his talking teddy bear and you’re not worried about the affect it has on your IQ, you’ll be delighted to know Seth MacFarlane is back for a potty-mouthed sequel. This time the bear gets legal recognition.
Verdict: Frankendinosaur – expect some funny moments, but also poo jokes. You’ve been warned.
Out 10 Jul

Part 1 | Part 2