First record you ever bought
Suzie Quatro ‘Devilgate Drive’.

Last extravagant purchase you made
1969 omega watch.

First film you saw that really moved you
Loads, but one that gets me all the time is Cinema Paradiso.

Last lie you told
I was prison table tennis champion three years in a row (it was only two years in a row).

First movie you ever went on a date to
Not been on many but the worse first date was Dances with Wolves. There wasn't a second.

Last time you cried
Most days it happens.

First thing you do when you’ve got time off work
Climb Munros.

Last great meal you cooked
Marinated salmon coming to rest on a bed of rice.

First crush
Linda Macdonald.

Last book you read
Louis-Ferdinand Céline – Journey to the End of the Night.

First great piece of advice you were given
If you can't get it down you …

Last time you were star struck
Never.

First thing you’d do if you ran the country
Close the House of Lords.

Last meal on earth - what would it be
Rhubarb and custard.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke
‘By the Time I get to Phoenix’ (Glenn Campbell’s version is the one most people will know).

Last time you exploited your position to get something
I don't have a position to exploit!

First time you realised you were famous
Guy in Tesco asked for photo.

Last time someone criticised your work
I'm sure it happens regularly, but back in 2009 was the last time in print.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
Loud, shouty, annoying.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
Last year, it was a vintage watch.

First concert you ever attended
Buzzcocks.

First object you’d save from your burning
Painting of a clown.

First job
Butcher.

First word you spoke
Aberystwyth.

Last crime you committed
Theft of books.

Last song at your funeral
‘I Will Survive’.

First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speech
Everyone.

Last thing you recommended to someone
‘Listen to me.’

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
The dugs want out.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
They dugs better not be up on the couch.

Gary's Fringe show, The Thing Is, is at The Stand I, Edinburgh, Mon 4–Mon 25 Aug.