What do you think might work out as the best piece of advice you receive ahead of your Fringe debut?
Flight of the Conchords once played a 90-minute show to one man, who left halfway through.

What do you expect will be the least useful piece of advice?
Flight of the Conchords once played a 90-minute show to one man, who left halfway through.

Imagine this is September: looking back at August, what would constitute a successful Fringe?
Having at least one person in the audience every day, having them laugh at some of the things I say, and not having made any children cry. This is my first year doing a solo show at the Fringe so as long as I enjoy myself and audiences have enjoyed the show, then my Fringe will have been successful! I'd also like to touch Bill Bailey. Not in a weird way. Just to see if he's real. But he probably won't be there, so …

In krugerrands, how much do you expect to lose during the Fringe?
Whatever the combined value in krugerrands is of my clothes, dignity and mind.

Back in the old days, there used to be a thing called ‘the festival shag’. Is this ancient tradition likely to play any part in your thinking during August?
I wish! Unfortunately I have a caring, adoring, committed boyfriend so that won't be on the cards for me, as he'll be on a lads’ tour in Thailand for the whole of August.

Back in the old days, comedians would drink alcohol solidly for a whole month and still manage to get out and do their show every day: how much are you likely to imbibe per day?
I like to stay professional and sophisticated. I would never drink before I go on stage, in case I forget the words to my penis song.

What qualities do you expect from a Fringe venue?
I have learned from my experience that Fringe venues are sometimes a place of joy and festivity, where artist and audience merge into one and undergo a kind of religious transcendence through the baring and sharing of creative souls. And sometimes people piss on the stage. So I count myself unbelievably lucky to be in a gorgeous space in the Underbelly this year: it's going to be a blast!

Will you read your reviews before your run is over and if so, how do you think they will affect you as a comedian and as a human being?
I suppose the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Unless you're that girl at school who had sex with a carrot. I imagine I will read them, and hopefully there'll be some nice things and some constructive things.

Next year, will you consider returning as a double act?
I don't want to give anything away, but basically the plan is for me and Dizzee Rascal to join forces for a month of rap battles next year. His agent's getting back to me.

Do you undertake any superstitious rituals before going on stage?
When I feel nervous before I go on stage, I just look in the mirror, take a deep breath and say 'fuck it'. It works every time. I also quickly look out the window and think, 'you could just run away if you wanted to'. But then I think that's silly.

If you were about to perform at the Fringe for your tenth year, where would you expect your career to be at that point?
By this point I imagine Bon Jovi and I will be on our tour of the universe, which will also be a reality TV show, and there will be cups in Clinton’s with our faces on them. And if that's not where I am, then I really don't understand the way this world works.

Underbelly, Cowgate, 0844 545 8252, 3–25 Aug (not 13), 4.45pm, £9–£10.50 (£8–£9.50). Previews 1 & 2 Aug, £6.

The Procrastination Song