The Purple cow is purple because it has been holding its breath for too long.

Scottish people don’t even like haggis; it’s a practical joke they play on the English.

All street performers are really agoraphobics going through therapy.

The Gilded Balloon has often been mistaken for The Guild of Baboons.

When a comedian gets an erection he calls it his funny bone.

North Bridge and South Bridge often swap places when no one is looking to fool tourists.

The most popular tattoo in Edinburgh is a tattoo of the Tattoo.

The most visited venue by comedians at last year’s Fringe was the massage parlour on Blair Street.

The Scottish love it when English people do their accent at them.

Paying £4000 for a month’s rent for a one-bedroom flat is very reasonable.

It’s illegal to run on Leith Walk.

To order a fried breakfast in Edinburgh you must ask for a salad.

The EICC stands for Edinburgh Is Cocking Cold.

Arthur’s Chair has been replaced by Arthur’s Futon.

The Royal Mile is what Prince Charles calls his intestines.

There are no chairs in The Stand Comedy Club.

The free Fringe is only free because it is out on bail.

It’s impossible to look cool while walking on cobble stones.

The Pleasance Dome was the location for filming Mad Max 3.

Summer time in Edinburgh lasts 2 hours and 13 mins.

Leith Walk has the highest number of people called Keith in one area in the country and can often be known as Leith’s Keiths.

The film Groundhog Day was modelled on the Edinburgh Festival.

The Assembly rooms will be full of schoolchildren singing hymns.

The most tipped show to see this year is Christopher Biggins the Musical.

Sons of clowns never take after their fathers as their shoes are too big to fill.

Maff Brown: Pacman is actually Allergic to Ghosts, Gilded Balloon Teviot, 622 6552, until 28 Aug (not 15), 5.15pm, £9–£10 (£8–£9).