First record you ever bought
‘Cum On Feel The Noize’ by Slade.

Last time you were chatted up
Must be ten years ago.

First film you saw that really moved you
Slumdog Millionaire.

Last lie you told
Probably five minutes ago when I met the Cabinet Minister Tessa Jowell. I said I thought she’d win the next election.

First movie you ever went on a date to
Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.

Last time you cried
I think last week. I was watching something on telly.

First thing you do when you’ve got time off work
Take my dog somewhere fabulous to run.

Last great meal you cooked
I cooked Indian about two weeks ago. That was fantastic.

Last extravagant purchase you made
It was about a year ago and I bought a beautiful Armani coat.

First crush
I think it was a bionic woman.

Last book you read
Can I say my own? Cos I’ve just finished proof-reading my own book.

First great piece of advice you were given
When I was a kid I think my aunt told me it was the poor people who suffered most in this world, or something like that. I remember it sticking.

Last time you were star struck
I met Shirley MacLaine in Hollywood, and she took me for lunch, and I had nothing to talk about. In the end we talked about pizza.

First thing you’d do if you ran the country
Probably try to do something about violence. Abolish anything to do with violence.

Last meal on earth — what would it be?
I know where it would be. It would be the Column D’Or restaurant (at Saint Paul de Vence in France). And it would probably be, oh, I don’t know, bits and bobs. I’m a picky eater. It’d probably be bread and cheese and wine.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke
The Temptations’ ‘My Girl’.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
I’d like to say never, but probably … about a year ago; I think I used it to get tickets to Mamma Mia.

First time you realised you were famous
I don’t know that I even do, but a while ago someone stopped me on a train and told me I was fantastic, and I thought, ‘I don’t know what for’.

Last time someone criticised your work
I was in Greece less than a year ago and a psychiatrist and I had a great fight and he said that I had a mental illness and should be locked up.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
Oh, I don’t know. Does that not seem egocentric to say which words your friends would use to describe you? [Consults friend] Balanced, truthful, fair. Oh, that’s nice.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
I went out to buy a video and I came back with a bungalow. I’m very, very impulsive, and on a big scale.

First concert you ever attended
I think it was Diana Ross in Glasgow.

Last time you bought someone flowers
My mother, just recently, for her birthday.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
How lucky I am that I still have all my faculties.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
If I’ve had a good drink I’m not able to think. But probably: ‘That’s got to be the last drink’.

Gordon Smith plays Theatre Royal, Glasgow, Sat 15 Aug 7.30pm, £17–£21.