First record you ever bought
‘From Langley Park to Memphis’ by Prefab Sprout. Had I been financially solvent at the age of 11 it would have been ‘Snooker Loopy’.

Last time you were chatted up
The last time I wore a kilt, a very drunk female asked me five times if I was a true Scot. Either she wanted to see Tiny Sanj, or she was conducting a census on ethnic diversity.

First film you saw that really moved you
Gandhi. It was the longest an Asian had been on screen. Still got bloody shot though, didn’t he?

Last lie you told
‘I can kick my own height’. It was an audition. You could be looking at the first brown Bond.

First movie you ever went on a date to
Weekend at Bernie’s.

First thing you do when you’ve got time off work
Check if Ernest Borgnine is dead. There’s a fiver resting on it.

Last great meal you cooked
Festoon of lamb with cyclone of puy lentils in a coriander hatchback. On a mash banjo.

Last time you cried
DFS advert. Do they really have to cut that sofa in half? They could have discounted it, you know, ex-display … oh the waste … that’s me off again …

Last extravagant purchase you made
Mick Hucknall’s hat. It was a charity auction.

First crush
Barbara Dickson. The Third Ronnie.

Last book you read
Be My Enemy by Christopher Brookmyre.

First great piece of advice you were given
‘If I knew grandchildren were going to be so much fun, I would have had them first.’

Last time you were star struck
Thom Yorke. I saw him on the street wearing massive white headphones and felt the need to shout his name. We both knew his name.

First thing you’d do if you ran the country
Arrange the buildings so my face was visible from space. I would be winking.

Last meal on earth – what would it be?
Arsenic tikka masala.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke
Anything in the Meat Loaf repertoire.

First concert you ever attended
Rainbow at the Edinburgh Playhouse.

First time you realised you were famous
This is genuine – a guy in a Topshop in London asked me where my bodyguard was. I told him ‘Leggings section. No sudden moves’.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
Really quite bad at maths.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
Let’s just say Mick Hucknall’s hat is used for the dusting.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
I hope those are my legs.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
Having had the whole day to think about it, I reckon those are definitely my legs.

Sanjeev Kohli stars in Fags, Mags and Bags, BBC Radio 4, every Fri until Fri 19 Dec.