First record you ever bought
‘Sugar, Sugar’ by the Archies.

Last time you were chatted up
1938.

First film you saw that really moved you
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, starring Dick Van Dyke and Sally Ann Howes.

Last lie you told
See second answer.

First movie you ever went on a date to
James Ivory’s A Room with a View with Helena Bonham Carter and Maggie Smith.

Last time you cried
At my wedding.

First thing you do when you’ve got time off work
Watch America’s Next Top Model with Tyra Banks.

Last time someone criticised your work
Every day. But the offenders have been killed.

Last great meal you cooked
If only there had ever been such an event.

First crush
Stuart Damon from The Champions.

Last book you read
Mrs Simpson by Charles Higham

First great piece of advice you were given
‘Nobody knows anything’.

Last extravagant purchase you made
Having a garden shed built based on Ratty’s house in Wind in the Willows.

Last time you were star struck
Meeting my teenage idol John Foxx from Ultravox for tea.

First thing you’d do if you ran the country
Safeguard BBC licence fees forever.

Last meal on earth - what would it be
Beans on toast.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke
‘I’m Backing Britain’ by Bruce Forsyth.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
Would I?

First three words your friends would use to describe you
Sex, sex, sex.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
I have far too many trousers to mention.

First time you realised you were famous
I’m mildly famous, if that. People sometimes point at me in the street but that might just be because they don’t like the look of me.

First concert you ever attended
Slade at a mental hospital fête when I was about six.

Last time you bought someone flowers
Last week.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
How much I loathe the braying voice of Sarah Montague on The Today Programme.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
My partner and my dog.

Mark Gatiss will discuss his latest book, Black Butterfly - Lucifer Box Esq: By Appointment To Her Majesty at Waterstone’s, Glasgow on Tuesday 18 November, 6.30-8pm, £2 (redeemable against purchase). Call 0141 332 9105 for more details. His book, published by Simon and Schuster is out now, priced £15.