Stabbington Bear

Paddington’s got a special ingredient in his marmalade today: curare, a compound which induces paralysis in all who consume it. Politely offering a sandwich to his victims, the Peruvian scamp loves nothing more than watching their muscles violently atrophy before unleashing the meat cleaver he found in Mr Brown’s kitchen and sliding it into their chest. Blood, as Paddington has learned, tastes better than any marmalade.

The Tiger Who Came To Tear

Tigers famously love a cup of chai, but may god forgive those who get their order wrong. Today Sophie and her mother gave their favourite big cat a lapsang souchong when he wanted a jasmine blossom. Now they must be clawed to death. Expect an Oscar-bait performance as Tiger mournfully shovels Sophie’s body into a binbag. He may be the bane of baristas everywhere, but boy can this wild cat act.

^{Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey looks good, but can it beat Dora The Exhumer?} 

Child Catcher: The Movie!

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’s villainous Child Catcher is given his own star vehicle. Watch as he prods children with sticks as they cry for their parents. Delight at his attempts to find a match on Tinder. Boo as he’s imprisoned for questionable business practices, then cheer as he clears his name and resumes his beloved pastime of imprisoning infants in rabbit hutches. Sure to be a heart-warming classic. Banned in 14 countries.

John Carpenter’s Diary Of A Wimpy Kid

The director of Halloween and The Thing returns with a radical reinterpretation of everyone’s favourite wimp. Forlorn and embittered, the American middle schooler dons a leather mask and decides to dispatch the bullies of his sleepy hometown in increasingly creative ways. Ever wanted to see Rodrick strapped to a chair while Greg waterboards him? Now, lucky cinemagoer, you can.

Dora The Exhumer 

What’s in Dora’s backpack? That’s right, human remains. Join everyone’s favourite explorer as she wanders the world’s graveyards, exhuming fresh corpses and transporting them to her home for use in a variety of child-friendly craft projects. Boots The Monkey, now a gnarled and dejected figure, looks on and weeps. Can you say ‘voy a matarte?’ Dora can, and she’s digging up your gran. 

Also coming to a theatre near you . . . The Very Cannibalistic Caterpillar, Sooty And Dr Sleep, Anthrax Pat, Harry Potter And The Hogwarts Massacre, The Lion Kills You In The Wardrobe, Mr Benn: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Camberwick Gangrene, Bob The Builder: Hods And Homicide, Don’t F**k With Cats: Bagpuss’ Revenge.

Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood And Honey screens at GFT, Glasgow, and is in cinemas nationwide on Friday 10 March.