Like a dinner party held hostage by its once gracious host, it’s time for me to put down the bread knife and let you all file out of my dining room one by one, frightened but secretly thrilled by the debauch you’ve endured. That’s right, this is the grand finale of Drink Up, and what better way to celebrate its voyage to Valhalla than with digestifs? To mark the occasion, I’ve prepared a four-course meal in the manner of a man on death row and sat down to enjoy my final drinks for this column. Which ones will soothe my bilious soul and aggressively gassy stomach? 

First in the sipping slaughterhouse is Caru brandy liqueur, a mini masterpiece distilled in Essex. Decadence lies at the heart of this one, starting with a whiff of chocolate orange on the nose. The taste is delicate, not a hint of burn, lining your throat with ice-cream sweetness. This big brandy hug will wrap around you with delicious arms and hands, like a six-packed dreamboat cradling a kitten. Perhaps I’m that kitten and Chris Hemsworth is staring down at me with his kind eyes, his stomach muscles a sexy cheese grater. Meow. Anyway . . .

Edinburgh Old Poison Amaro is less of a hug and more a carpet bombing of the senses. Skull and crossbones are emblazoned across the packaging of this Italian herbal affair. Cool. Taste-wise it’s a lot to take on, loaded with the bitterness of bile. As the terrifying insignia indicates, this is a challenge when drunk neat, akin to those curry houses selling an 18+ vindaloo that comes with a long and legally shaky health warning. Best used to inject a mega-powered kick to an elaborate cocktail. 

Our final entrant in the Booze Hound Thunderdome is Rubis Chocolate Velvet Ruby, a fortified wine that’s rich with a capital RICH. It’s another chocolatey mixture but more garishly so than Caru, the difference between a lover sensually sliding a Milk Tray betwixt your lips and a championship wrestler breaking your nose with a frozen Toblerone. On that liver-emaciating note, please leave.