I got drunk last night and read too many advice columns on goop, so it’s time to try what I’m dubbing a ‘replenishment crawl’. It’s like a pub crawl but with no alcohol and a thorough colonic irrigation for the soul (or a soulonic, if you will). Donning a pair of hangover sunglasses, I decided to hit three bars on Edinburgh’s ‘I know everything is expensive here but look at our cool beanie hats’ Leith Walk for some refreshing mocktails.

First, I dragged my pre-corpse into Satyr, a dark and calming bar with tasteful mahogany furnishings. While there are no non-alcoholic mocktails on the menu, the bartender was kind enough to mix me a faux-jito with strong hints of mint and lime. You could kill a whole afternoon in these warm surroundings and, with a drink like this, you’d happily tickle your tastebuds without booze.

But I was killing bars today, not time. Next on my guzzle-thirsty murder spree was The Mother Superior, a hipster’s approximation of an old ‘awright squire, stick a jellied eel dan yer trasers and call me old woife Mary’ boozer (if you catch my drift). Again, there were no mocktails on the menu and, less than reassuringly, the bartender handed me my drink and said, ‘it’s not exactly perfect, but you get what you get.’ He was damning himself with faint praise, as the combination of pineapple juice, lime juice and almond syrup was basic but effective; a marzipan top-note with a fruity tang for complexity. Like the rest of this pub, it was an unfussy tipple serving a pleasant-enough function. 

I hit the nuclear button in Abode Café Bar by ordering a Bloody Mary, a hangover cure that could revive the dead. Café by day and bar by night, Abode is a haven of comfortable high-backed chairs, colourful paintings and bright tones, and the assault-by-gazpacho of this Tabasco-fuelled concoction was that slap in the face I needed. It was there, dear reader, that I considered both my soulonic and my contractually obliged word count complete. Thanks, Gwyneth, for the goopiest time a guy could ever have.