I’ve been dumped for many reasons: showing up drunk to my girlfriend’s charity camping trip in support of Calais refugees; accidentally killing my partner’s hamster then burying it in her back garden using a trowel and a small shoe box (a dog dug up its corpse only days later); not responding enthusiastically enough to my date’s expansive plushie collection. The usual. And, as this is the month of love, what better time is there to share my heartbroken wisdom? Like Luca Brasi pointing to his favourite corpse-disposal locations, join me on a tour of the best bars in Glasgow to rip Cupid’s arrow from your partner’s bleeding heart. 

First up is The Old Hairdresser’s, a perennial hipster’s favourite with a vibrant atmosphere that may trick your soon-to-be-ex into thinking you’re on a romantic outing. That poor fool. Its low lighting will hide any dumpee’s tear-stained face while you deliver the killer blow, while its hurry-scurry ambience will drown out any potential arguments. For additional scumbag points, you can ditch your current partner on the upstairs mezzanine then have a first date downstairs straightaway. Win-win. 

Sometimes there’s no good reason for a breakup, so why not push your partner to the limit by being an over-competitive arsehole in Game Over (the new arcade bar attached to Drury Street) until they decide to chuck you instead? There’s a grand selection of games at this jilt-worthy sanctum (although a few were out of order when I visited) so you can try your hand at breaking hearts while also breaking the high score on Daytona USA 2.

An underground bar is loaded with symbolic potency. It says, ‘I am going underground to bury my shame and you, the current beholder of my mediocre sexual performance and needy post-coital conversation, are that shame.’ Hence The Howlin’ Wolf rounds off this tour of sadness. This long-standing blues bar in a basement will allow you to unload the lovelorn carcass you once cared for to the swelling roar of a live band, their desolate tears mimicking the heartbreak of the blues itself. Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody.