Scotland and I share a love that dare not speak its name, mainly because the things I’d do to Scotland are illegal in most parts of the world. Smearing haggis across the outer crust of my beard before bedtime, I like to place The Saltire between my partner and I as a symbol of the divide caused by the union of our proud nation and its colonising aggressors. Before you ask, yes, my partner is an inflatable doll with a mask of Scottish wonder-man Gerard Butler Sellotaped to its head. Most nights I stare into those beautiful Butler eyes and wonder why my last partner left (‘Kevin,’ she said with a suitcase in her hand, ‘these Drinking Games articles are getting too off-putting.’). My deep-fried heart (which I've nicknamed The Widowmaker) has led me to review these three Glasgow Scottish-themed bars based on how patriotic they made me feel. Read on, Macduff.  

First up The Ben Nevis, a cosy Finnieston joint with ancient stones on the wall and a formidable selection of delicious whisky on display. The crammed crowds in this petite space should have been stressed by the bustle; instead, staff and punters remained polite, though unresponsive, when I stood on a table and began a rousing striptease to the tune of ‘Donald, Where’s Your Troosers?’ Patriot rating: A tickle o’ mah wee doonstairs bunnet. 

Dreaming of my inflatable Butler (honestly, what a weapon), I meandered into The Pot Still, a brown-panelled mainstay of Glasgow’s city centre. It’s the kind of pub that welcomes all, from old guys to young couples, solipsists reading a book all afternoon to weary travellers waiting on their train home. They even welcomed me, a man with an £8.99 tammy hat stapled onto his head. Fair play. Patriot rating: A strong Connolly. 

And finally, The Piper Whisky Bar, where you’re most likely to find an American tourist telling staff that their 55th cousin twice-removed is from Dingwall. The food menu may be as straightforward as they come and the drink selection standard, but the unerring amiability of the bar staff is a real draw here. Fully sated by my Scottish brethren, I depart to my flat to forcefully mount Gerard and dream of a better Scotland tomorrow. Patriot rating: The full Sturgeon salute.