Drinking Games: The Auld Man Bar Challenge
He’s barred from bars in 32 counties for crying too loudly about his wife leaving him, and he’s never even been married. Kevin Fullerton is back to howl another drinking game into the void and onto these pages. This month’s challenge... hide in the best auld man’s pub in Glasgow
This morning, I looked in the mirror and found my long lustrous locks had disappeared. A squat, bald man stared back at me. My beard had turned a shock of white, as though I’d killed someone the night before and the guilt had stained my follicles to a deathly pallor. But, of course, that didn’t happen. I’m a mere innocent reviewer hiding out in (I mean reviewing) a series of auld man’s pubs in Glasgow, a light-hearted puff-piece peddler whose white hair is a mere aberrance of nature. And if this article happens to form a credible alibi regarding my whereabouts, then that’s simply a happy accident.
First, I secreted myself in The Laurieston Bar, a social club-cum-art hangout kitted out with authentic 1960s décor, photo collages of past punters, and striking paintings. There’s something about the effortlessly attentive staff here that makes a stay relaxed; less like customer service and more like a pal you haven’t seen for ages. I could have loitered for hours but as I was on the lam (I mean reviewing other bars), it was time to move on.
I covered my tracks and headed to The Scotia Bar, one of the oldest pubs in Glasgow. Lurking in the corner of a gorgeous low-ceilinged relic, it was easy to be impressed by how this haunt on the outskirts of Merchant City is totally uninterested in attracting tourists. Instead, it’s content to be a welcoming spot for locals, with staff who’ll be your best pal if you’re nice and your worst enemy if you cross them.
I finally scarpered (ahem, calmly sauntered) to The Horseshoe Bar, which has the longest bar in Europe. Its clientele was a curious mix of older men and younger students, although its varied menu made it easy to see why; this was a city-centre pub appealing to a broad church. It was then I remembered the concussion I received the night before while watching an episode of Twin Peaks and dipping my beard in white emulsion paint (a hair-strengthening tip I found in a TikTok video with a mere 14 views). Phew, I hadn’t murdered anyone! And that, ladies and gents, was the end of that.