He's played Russian Roulette, conducted séances and convinced an IT consultant that he was a ventriloquist's dummy. Derren Brown is back with a closely-guarded show about 'the pain and the beauty' of life. For our new Q&A, he tells us about escape rooms, 80s technology and Toblerone

Who should play you in the movie about your life?
What a question! I'd be happy with any of the obvious choices: Stallone, Idris, Mirren.

If you were to return in a future life as an animal, what would it be?
My Beagle-Basset cross, Doodle. She enjoys a better quality of life than I do, and that's saying something. No joke, I was eating beans on toast a week ago watching her tuck into a roast pheasant which hadn't worked out.

Name two other people you'd recruit to help you get out of an escape room?
I'd take the team I found myself with last time I did one. We'd been picked at random from a friend's big birthday outing and, once inside, we realised that our group was an all-gay team. Not sure if that had happened on purpose, but after childhoods of never being picked for any teams, we were all delighted. We didn't escape but by the time they had to let us out, we'd redecorated the room and left a quiche in the oven.

When was the last time you were mistaken for someone else?
Back of a cab. Driver said 'I know who you are, my wife likes you [don't know why he needed to clarify that], what's your name? Don't tell me … ' He wouldn't let me tell him and was trying to guess for the rest of the journey. Eventually I figured I'd put him out of his misery, so I said 'it's Derren Brown'. His response: 'no, that's not it'. He thanked me for stopping his wife smoking so I think he thought I was Paul McKenna. I realise this is pretty loathsome, but a few years ago I dropped my own name to get a restaurant table in Soho. At the end of the meal, the waiter said he was a big fan and asked sheepishly if I might sign one of my books that he had brought with him especially. Of course I said yes, and he thanked me and headed off to get it. He came back after a few minutes with Angels And Demons.

What's the best cover version ever?
Jeff Buckley's 'Hallelujah', obviously.

Whose speaking voice soothes your ears?
Alan Carr's.

Tell us something you wish you had discovered sooner in life?
People really don't care about your sexuality. And Toblerone.

Describe your perfect Saturday evening?
Paint a bit, write a bit, glass of wine in the garden, then on the sofa by the fire with the dogs. There's a game of backgammon and an Old Fashioned in there somewhere, but I'm not getting a headache.

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt?
Sally Morgan.

Which day in your life would you relive?
There was a chap at school who had a tough time; I was his friend for a while but eventually joined in with the piss-taking. He had a rough time after school as well. I'd want to relive the last day I saw him, but apologise for being a dick, give him a big hug, and leave it on a different note.

What's your earliest recollection of winning something?
I may have won something from The Dandy comic for getting into their letters page. Maybe I'm imagining they gave out prizes for that. Failing that, I'd have to skip to my university years where I acquired a number of ballroom dancing trophies for my famous cha-cha-cha.

What most recently astonished you?
How nice Toblerone is. All my life I thought I hated it.

What tune do you find it impossible not to get up and dance to, whether in public or private?
Probably anything by Diana Ross. At home, we dance a lot. In public, never.

Which famous person would be your ideal holiday companion?
Tom Holland.

Tell us one thing about yourself that would surprise people?
I am barista-trained.

When did you last cry?
With laughter the other day, along with my partner, but I can't remember why.

What's the most hi-tech item in your home?
Home cinema. Other than that, I like hard buttons, old-fashioned intercoms and a sort of early 80s level of tech. The moment I'm told I can operate something from my phone my heart sinks.

What's a skill you'd love to learn but never got round to?
Playing the piano.

By decree of your local council, you've been ordered to destroy one room in your house and all of its contents. Which room do you choose?
I love these questions! I've got a room full of taxidermy, weird things in pickle jars, and a bunch of awards. I'd let that go; it would be quite liberating.

If you were selected as the next James Bond, where would you pick as your first luxury destination for espionage?
Florence. And it would take me a long time to solve anything.

Derren Brown: Showman is on tour from Friday 4 March–Saturday 29 October.