For almost a year-and-a-half, The List’s maniacal editor has kept me locked in his spare room, forcing me to drink alcoholic beverages and provide him with print-worthy review copy [Ed: you’ll be hearing from a firm of lawyers on this matter presently]. Then two days ago, he unchained me and, white foam streaming from his rabies-addled mouth, screamed, ‘Begone! Write bar musings instead!’ Still woozy from the tracker chip he fitted underneath the skin of my left buttock, I find myself reviewing three booze-drenched pits of sin in Edinburgh. What better way to refresh my social skills than to ask bartenders in three bars what drink they’d recommend from their menu?  

I first tramped into Rose Street’s hip hangout Fierce Beer, mumbled ‘what would you recommend?’ and was presented with a refreshingly fruity IPA featuring minimal acidity. Having liquid poured into my mouth with a makeshift funnel for over a year has lowered my standards, but even I could see this was a bar with an unpretentious atmosphere. If I’m allowed to leave my editor’s spare room again, I’ll return to this relaxed and vibrant spot [Ed: nothing here is helping your case]. 

A few minutes from Fierce is Never Really Here, a speakeasy-style bar in which customers are granted entry (the bar’s Instagram bio reads, ‘doors always locked so please knock’). In lieu of a set menu, the bartender asked me to describe the cocktail I desired. Specific ingredients, emotions, fears, existential panics, you name it. I replied, ‘what would you recommend?’, feeling the premise of my article slip away from me, and was presented with a subtly flavoured cocktail with overtones of watermelon vodka. The quiet ambience here is perfect for a man who’s been handcuffed to a radiator [Ed: enough!!], a haven from the stag and hen dos of Rose Street’s main thoroughfare. 

Finally, The Cocktail Geeks on East Market Street is a bar that concocts drinks and atmosphere around pop-culture touchstones. This time, it’s the Cantina from Star Wars, so a taste profile via an online quiz recommended a coconutty drink to me based on my answers to Star Wars-related questions, throwing my ‘what would you recommend?’ question under an AT-AT. I didn’t like it but, given that I’ve just spent the past 350 words pretending to have a tracker chip implanted in me, I’m probably not the target audience. Lovers of Funko Pop! figurines will no doubt enjoy getting a selfie next to Han Solo’s carbonite corpse.