Dear Eat & Drink Editor (I forget your name), 

For reasons outside of my control, there will be no Drinking Games this month. You’ve put me in plenty of intolerable positions over the past year of writing this column, but Editor (what is your name? Did I ever know it? Do we ever really know anyone? I digress...) this is beyond the pale. To demand that I take selfies in a variety of Instagrammable bars across Glasgow when you know I can’t figure out selfie cameras is a malignant cruelty. 

I tried for you when I visited Champagne Central, a hotel bar overlooking the interiors of Glasgow Central station. There were plenty of IG spots dotted around this glitzy space, particularly the glittering chandelier over the marble-topped bar. I tried to take a photo, but the thing is, how do you stop your thumb from obscuring the lens? Only some kind of finger magician can manoeuvre like that. I drank my Asahi and left, frightened and dejected by technology’s reign. 

I soon found myself in a back alley by Bar Soba, hoping its low light and neo-Tokyo murals would be another ‘face photo’ hotspot. Perhaps I could share it on this ‘Instagram’ I’ve heard so much about. I ordered a vegan White Russian (strong on coconut, heavy on alcohol) and lined up my shot. However, there by the neon sign pointing to the toilets, I couldn’t stretch my arms far enough to move my face away from a nightmarish closeness, accidentally spasming it into the demonic grimace of a bearded goblin stealing children in the night. 

One final stop in Kong, a hive of colour with a balcony and a bangin’ DJ. Near the entrance, a purple light fixture read ‘Welcome to the jungle’. But this wasn’t a jungle, it was a bar (I’m not fooled so easily). I moved under the sign and managed to snap a pic of my bald wrinkled forehead, the reflection of light an ultraviolet reminder of our unceasing march towards an inevitable death. 

Anyway Editor (you have no name. Sometimes I wonder if you even exist), that’s my tale. There will be no Drinking Games article this month. Whoever you are, I hope you understand. 

Kind regards,

Kevin Fullerton.