Made me cry: I hope you mean with laughter. I don’t think they do sad at the Edinburgh Fringe, do they? Well, to be honest nothing has made me cry with laughter as this ‘alternative’ humour isn’t really my sort of thing. I prefer Les Dennis, Tom O’Connor, or Scotland’s finest export, The Krankies.  So you won’t get any tears from me in Edinburgh. Oh, I’ve just remembered that Greyfriars Bobby story about the dog who waited faithfully for his master, even though he’d died (so it was rather foolish of the dog to do that, although in fairness he perhaps didn’t know the protocol). But that was a very sad story and hearing about it made me quite tearful. 

Made me angry: Most of the shows on the Fringe make me angry, because they’re far too whacky for a normal family man like myself. And my wife Mary wouldn’t be happy having to negotiate all those cobbles; if she ever came up which, no offence, she wouldn’t. She might, I suppose, if there was an adaptation of Call The Midwife or Doc Martin, instead of all this weird stuff they put on. Let’s have some traditional ‘end of the pier’ innuendo, interspersed perhaps with impressions of Frank Spencer or former chancellor Denis Healey. Or, for that contemporary edge, Arnie in The Terminator.

Made me laugh: I once saw a young man dressed as a Victorian chimney sweep slip on the cobbles and drop all his show flyers. As he tried to pick them up, a big gust of wind blew them all away and he began dashing about frantically trying to retrieve them. Well, I found it hilarious; it was like watching a task off Taskmaster, which is such a zany show, don’t you think? I didn’t used to understand it because it was too ‘alternative’ for me, but now I get it, and I’d say at its best it rivals Noel’s House Party. Well, it’s not quite as funny, obviously, but it’s heading that way.

Made me think: I once planned to walk up Arthur’s Seat but then thought better of it as my show was starting in half an hour at the Pleasance. So I just thought about Arthur’s Seat, and my main conclusion was he must’ve had an enormous bottom. And then after I thought some more, I decided Arthur was a bit silly making a seat at the top of the mountain because although I’m sure there’s a splendid view from there, there’s nothing to do really. He could’ve made a nicer more practical seat down in the city near the shops and cafés, and close to all the Fringe venues. What a plonker Arthur clearly was!

Made me think twice: The price of accommodation in Edinburgh now during the Fringe has made me think twice. It’s so expensive that this year I’ve decided to stay in a Travelodge in Kinross and travel by train each day to Edinburgh to do my show before returning to Kinross. The good news is there’s a garden centre next to the Travelodge so I can go there for me tea, and possibly my breakfast before I set off. I presume there’s a café there? I don’t know about you, but it amazes me that garden centres are still selling plants. Don’t they realise that people just want the café? Come on garden centres: wake up and smell the leek and potato soup!

John Shuttleworth: Raise The Oof, Pleasance Courtyard, 11 August, 5.40pm; 12–15 August, 4pm.