First record you ever bought
I got Thriller for my Communion, but my first actual purchase was the 7in single of Roland Rat’s ‘Rat Rappin’ when I was six.

Last time you were chatted up
I can’t remember the last time. Although I get asked if I ‘wanna XXX chat’ on Skype most days. I have never XXX chatted.

First film you saw that really moved you
Jaws really scared me. It gave me nightmares about sharks coming up through the toilet.

Last lie you told
Oh I’m always lying about what I do. You never want to say you’re a comedian. I’ll try to pick the most boring thing. Aluminium is a good sector for dullness.

First movie you ever went on a date to
I have never gone on a date to a movie! What is this, 1950s America?

Last time you cried
I’m very easily emotionally manipulated. I cry at most TV, cinema, news if I think about it too much. My mother cries more than me. My dad once said she would cry at card tricks.

Last great meal you cooked
I just don’t get food. Seriously. If I could just take a pill once a week and not eat the rest of the time, that would be fine.

Last extravagant purchase you made
I like old keyboards and organs. I recently got a World War II US Air Force battlefield pump organ. It sounds like it has seen things.

First crush
Princess Stephanie of Monaco. It was unrequited.

First great piece of advice you were given
I read a quote from Cole Porter who, when asked which came first, the music or the lyrics, he replied, ‘The phone call.’ I like that a lot.

Last time you were star struck
I get star struck around athletes. The Munster rugby team came to a show I did in Limerick last month. I could see their massive necks from the stage and that put the scares up me.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
Never home anymore.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
Once in a hotel the lady gave me the presidential suite because she had seen something I’d done on YouTube. It had two sinks. PRESIDENTS NEED TWO SINKS.

First time you realised you were famous
I wouldn’t consider myself to be famous at all. My mother still confuses me with my brother.

Last time someone criticised your work
People have very strong opinions on YouTube. Usually they describe things with lots of vowels. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT or GAAAAAAAAAAAY. It’s like people who write on YouTube are trapped in a well.

First concert you ever attended
My father is a jazz musician so I have always gone to his gigs. His 17-piece big band used to rehearse a lot in our sitting room.

Last time you bought flowers
I don’t think I’ve ever bought anyone flowers. My sister bought me a cactus and it died. To quote Demetri Martin, I am less nurturing than a desert.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
Damn, I can’t remember that joke I thought of last night.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
I hope I remember that joke I just thought of in the morning.

David O Doherty is appearing at the Stand Comedy Club, Glasgow, Fri 13 March. www.glasgowcomedyfestival.com