What’s the first book you remember reading as a child? 

I remember reading The Brothers Lionheart during a vacation in France. I didn’t make eye contact with any of my family members for two days; I was that focused on reading. My mother just brought me food every now and then. It’s a story by Astrid Lindgren about two brothers who meet again in the afterlife. I was, and still am, quite obsessed with my brother, which is probably the reason why the book affected me so much.

What was the book you read that made you decide to be a writer? 

To be honest, I decided to become a writer when I realised I wasn’t talented enough to become a professional footballer. But Turgenev’s First Love made a big impression on me. I reread it a few years ago and found it quite misogynous, but when I first read it, around 17, I was very impressed by Turgenev’s ability to capture this feeling of first love and infinite beginning. 

What’s your favourite first line in a book? 

It’s a Dutch line, from Willem Elsschot’s novel Cheese: ‘Waar zwangerschap bestaat, volgt het baren vanzelf, ten gepaste tijden.’ Loosely translated, it says that where pregnancy exists, bearing will follow at the appropriate time. It doesn’t refer to childbirth of course but to so-called creative outbursts, and I find it quite consoling. 

Which debut publication had the most profound effect on you? 

I again have to give you a Dutch answer: Blue Mondays by Arnon Grunberg. It’s about a very lonely young man in Amsterdam who tries to find intimacy in the clumsiest ways. This is basically the storyline of my own book too. It’s written with a tone that some people call ‘Jewish humour’, the tendency to laugh about the awful. 

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up on a writing day? 

I make up my bed so that my possible failures later that day can be answered with at least one achievement. 

What’s the first thing you do when you’ve stopped writing for the day? 

I mostly try to empty my mind, which in practice means that I watch all possible highlights from the English Premier League and the Eredivisie, the Dutch first league. My favourite teams are Manchester United and Ajax, so the highlights I’m watching are often actually lows right now.

In a parallel universe where you’re the tyrant leader of a dystopian civilisation, what’s the first book you’d burn? 

I would burn all Harry Potter books, keep the billions and give them to transgender-rights organisations, just to show JK Rowling where the real magic happens. Oh, I’ve misread the question: this is what I would do in a utopian civilisation. 

What’s the first piece of advice you’d offer to an aspiring novelist?

Buy an analogue telephone to not ruin your ability to focus. Realise the most impressive books had first drafts which were probably not that impressive. And most importantly, treat your mind like Cristiano Ronaldo treats his body: with love and utmost care. 

Tobi Lakmaker: The History Of My Sexuality is published by Granta on Thursday 18 January.