Dinnae look weak; pit ithers doon afore they can pit ye doon; jis cause yer a lad disnae mean ye cannae help yer ma; dee the dishes if the wifey cooks; be cooler than a-biddy else; fitba is the proper sport; only toffs like golf; ye can nivver find a seat in a pub when a game’s on so dinna bither; always support fa-ever England is playing against; support yer local team or yer a glory hunter; when sumbiddy asks “alright?” always answer “alright,” even if yer not, unless ye ken em well; Irn-Bru is better than Coke; gingers are mingin and ye need tae let them know it; folk frae the country are sheepshaggers, so treat em like it; wear what yer mates wear, the dearer the clothes the better; real Adidas, FCUK, and Burberry is best, but if ye have to wear shite affa back o’ a lorry, then fine; wear yer cap backwards and tilted, min; ye need more gold sovvies ye can use as knuckledusters; the louder the car, the faster; if sumbiddy slags yer ma, gis em a Glasgae kiss; your da’s always harder an their da; ootdrink yer friends under the table; smoke like a chimney; trick our yer bike; try and pull the prettier bird, but if she says nit and her mate says aye then gang fer it; beans oan toast and Ribena is a proper meal; fetch yer da a pint o’ Tennent’s; dinnae smack yer sister, even if she’s a wee shite; follow this and you’ll be alright, ya ken?

Laura Lam’s latest novel, Shadowplay, is out Tue 7 Jan.