What do you think might work out as the best piece of advice you receive ahead of your Fringe debut?
I'll listen to a lot of Destiny's Child.

What do you expect will be the least useful piece of advice?
My mum constantly tells me to drink Berocca. Berocca is the Derren Brown of the vitamin world.

Imagine this is September: looking back at August, what would constitute a successful Fringe?
To be able to look back with a smile. An actual smile not a nervous tick brought on by post-traumatic stress disorder.

In krugerrands, how much do you expect to lose during the Fringe?
I have no idea what krugerrands are. So I'm gonna guess four?

Back in the old days, there used to be a thing called ‘the festival shag’. Is this ancient tradition likely to play any part in your thinking during August?
I'll be living with my fella who is also working at the Fringe and we'll probably be too exhausted to use the hob let alone fornicate.

Back in the old days, comedians would drink alcohol solidly for a whole month and still manage to get out and do their show every day: how much are you likely to imbibe per day?
I'm going to attempt to not drink til the last week. Mainly because my show is at lunchtime so I'd have to start drinking in the afternoon and go to bed at ten if I wanted a 'night out'. But then people would see me hammered at half three and suspect I was having a really rough time at the Fringe.

What qualities do you expect from a Fringe venue?
Air conditioning. I don't do very well in heat, I positively wither. I'm pretty much a Victorian bosom of a woman.

Will you read your reviews before your run is over and if so, how do you think they will affect you as a comedian and as a human being?
I'll pretend not to read them and then hide them under the mattress and then guiltily read them when I think everyone in the flat is out. Essentially like porn. The Catholic in me will be disgusted with myself.

Next year, will you consider returning as a double act?
Does returning with a massive ego count?

Do you undertake any superstitious rituals before going on stage?
I try not to call anyone in the audience names.

If you were about to perform at the Fringe for your tenth year, where would you expect your career to be at that point?
Eating lobster for breakfast surrounded by bitches. Naturally.

The Stand III & IV, 558 7272, 2–25 Aug (not 12), 1.10pm, £7 (£6). Preview 31 Jul, £6 (£5).

Katie Mulgrew