First record you ever bought
'Town Called Malice’ by The Jam.

Last extravagant purchase you made
Tropicana Orange Juice.

First film you saw that really moved you
The Prisoner of Zenda, aged seven. I had nightmares.

Last lie you told
Saying first record I ever bought was ‘Town Called Malice’ by The Jam. I think it was probably ‘Some Girls Do’ by Racey.

First movie you ever went on a date to
Conan the Barbarian. Her choice, from memory.

Last time you cried
Aunt’s funeral. You asked.

First thing you do when you’ve got time off work
Daydream.

Last great meal you cooked
I’ve never cooked a great meal.

First crush
Catherine. Both aged six. We used to have a great game of Doctors and Nurses.

Last book you read
Why It’s Kicking Off Everywhere by Paul Mason.

First great piece of advice you were given
Don’t go on a date to Conan the Barbarian.

Last time you were star struck
I met Sooty recently.

First thing you’d do if you ran the country
Have a good nose around No 10. Open a bottle of whisky. Place any pictures of Margaret Thatcher so that I couldn’t see them.

Last meal on earth - what would it be?
Cooked by somebody else.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke
'Ma Na Ma Na’.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
Doing this.

First time you realised you were famous
On the underground at 8am extremely hungover on a Saturday morning when a girl started shouting across the carriage, ‘It’s you! It’s you!’ I left the carriage, and promptly vomited.

Last time someone criticised your work
Today.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
He is a …

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
A bottle of Jagermeister.

First concert you ever attended
The Jam (I never did go and see Racey).

Last time you bought someone flowers
Last week. Bunches in supermarkets are surprisingly bargainous now.

First object you’d save from your burning home
Assuming people aren’t objects, it would probably be a credit card. Very practical.

Last funny thing you saw online
Got sent a screengrab from the Antiques Roadshow of some ancient Chinese porcelain figure that supposedly looks like me. I now use it as my Twitter avatar.

First job
Car park attendant.

Last person you fantasised about
My wife (she might read this).

First word you spoke
I have no idea.

Last crime you committed
I think I may have done 31mph in a built up area.

First song at your (potential) wedding
'The Wonder of You’ by Elvis Presley.

Last song at your funeral
'Top of The World’ by The Carpenters.

First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speech
My wife (she might read this).

Last thing you recommended to someone
My wife.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
Cuddle/tea/wee.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
Sheep.

Andy Parsons appears at the King’s Theatre, Glasgow, Wed 20 Mar, as part of the Glasgow Comedy Festival.