We live in an era of high-concept, high-budget pop theatre and two of its greatest practitioners take over the Hydro in the next month. One promotes sexy but unthreatening glamour and a loveable back catalogue, while the other brings a maximalist freakshow and disappointingly generic dance pop. One will be wearing Dolce & Gabbana, Jean Paul Gaultier and Julien Macdonald (darling), the other clad in tentacles and a necklace made of marijuana leaves. Can you tell which one is which?

Kylie, the belle of the Commonwealth Games closing ball, returns to Glasgow with her relatively straightforward ‘Kiss Me Once’ tour. What she lacks in vision and audacity she makes up for in experience: this is her 13th concert tour and, boy, can she hit the mark in a pair of nosebleed stilettos.

Lady Gaga could probably sing Kylie into submission – only one of these ladies has just released an album of jazz duets with the esteemed Tony Bennett – and might just pulp her audience too. Her ‘artRAVE: The ARTPOP Ball’ tour goes Katy Perry-acid-Disney bananas, with multiple stages, sci-fi domes, giant flowers, elaborate wigs and rave-neon galore.

With typical empty verbosity, Gaga has proclaimed that, ‘the point of the show is to take what was the mess of my life and make art of it’. Kylie, as usual, has said very little of interest.

Kylie: Hydro, Glasgow, Wed 12 Nov; Lady Gaga: Hydro, Glasgow, Sun 19 Oct, 16 Nov.