We've finally come to the climax of awards season with the biggest night of all. Snacks, coffee, patience and sense of humour at the ready, The List senior writer Scott Henderson is braced for Oscar 2015 liftoff.

23.30

The night kicks off with the tough decision to turn off Young Guns on Channel 5 and tune into Sky’s red carpet coverage but duty calls. It’s a two hour countdown to the ceremony opening – already wondering if we have enough coffee and snacks. Alex Zane, in a very shiny silver tuxedo, hosts a panel that includes Alexa Chung, actor Noel Clarke and Heat magazine reviews editor Boyd Hilton.

23.45

Pre-match wrap up notes from Sky: Birdman and The Grand Budapest Hotel both have nine nominations, Bradley Cooper has his third nomination in three years, this time for American Sniper. Julianne Moore, nominated for a fifth time for Still Alice, has yet to record a win. Not sure Noel Clarke has anything interesting to say – ‘Michael Keaton is an outsider, but a close outsider.’ So you’re saying he’s the second favourite? ‘For the record, I'd like Benedict to win because he's my mate.’ #humblebrag

23.55

Wow, Alexa Chung is a massive snob, doesn’t miss a beat slagging off Oscar favourite Patricia Arquette. Meanwhile, Clarke continues struggling to string sentences together or say anything coherent about cinematic process, apparently Boyhood is average if not for the er, um, gimmick. 'I think Grand Budapest Hotel' will win. 'Is it nominated'?! Clarke has really done his research.

00.07
Zane: Rosamund [Pike] has been one of the casualties of Gone Girl’s poor showing.
Hilton: Well, she has been nominated for Best Actress.
Clarke: And she looks good.
The List: How long till the ceremony starts?

00.10

Clarke: 'I’ve known [David] Oyelowo for a long, long time, but that’s not the only reason he should’ve been nominated.' How many other people is Clarke mates with at this party?

00.20

Okay, fine, switching to E! Live from the Red Carpet; already feel a weight has been lifted. Ryan Seacrest, Giuliana Rancic and Kelly Osbourne, let’s just focus on the fashion. Plus we know they’ll get all the interviews. References to the ‘British Invasion’ should form part of any good Oscar drinking game.

00.32

Judd Apatow red carpet interview: what cocktail will you be drinking tonight? ‘Tequila and methamphetamine.’ Well, no harm can come from that.

00.50

Let’s have a look back at Sky and see how they are doing: judging from Twitter, not great.

01.00

30-minute countdown. Thank. God.

01.10

Alexa Chung offers some *serious face* praise of Reese Witherspoon’s #askhermore campaign – after she’s already trashed several of these professionals for their appearance and moaned that some poor designer isn't getting their work promoted (yes, we're sure Tom Ford is gutted). Well, it’s all a bit awkward really. Clarke attempts to distract everyone by saying something else inane. Unfortunately, it’s not working. Chung UK trending on Twitter.

01.25

Farewell you four horsemen of the Oscar apocalypse. Bit harsh on Hilton, but guilty by association.

01.30

Okay, new panel: Boyd survives the culling of Chung and Clarke, and is joined by film critic Kate Muir and comedian Katie Brand. And here comes Oscar host Neil Patrick Harris, finally, who kicks off by welcoming Hollywood’s ‘best and whitest, sorry, brightest’. Ouch.

The opening song is a jaunty little number with great effects and singing cameos by Anna Kendrick (swoon) and Jack Black. Also Benedict Cumberbatch hitting the hip flask already. We feel ya.

When your favourite film doesn't win in its category. What film did you think deserved more? #Oscars #Oscars2015 pic.twitter.com/3bxlp8Hati

— eOne ANZ (@eOneANZ) February 23, 2015

The Best Picture nominees have made $600 million combined: American Sniper accounts for $300m of that. NPH makes jokes about Oprah being American Sniper and everyone else being the other films. Oprah doesn’t get, or like, the ‘you’re rich’ joke.

Overall the opening is underwhelming. Surprise, surprise, Hollywood is super self-important, highly self-aware and utterly unrepentant.

01.40

Winner: Best Supporting Actor – JK Simmons, Whiplash
Extremely popular with the audience. Immediately, Simmons thanks his wife then rambles on about the kids needing to call home more. A bit passive aggressive if you ask me. @JKSimmonsHat is not pleased by the lack of acknowledgment.

WE WIN!.... and he doesn't even bring me up. Or thank me. Thanks, JK Simmons. #Oscars2015 #JKSimmons #BestSupportingActor

— J.K. Simmon's Hat (@JKSimmonsHat) February 23, 2015

NPH is a bit of a try hard so far and more jokes are missing than hitting. What’s in the box, gag? His Oscar predictions apparently … it’d be more exciting if it was Gwyneth Paltrow’s head.

02.00

Winner: Best Costume – Milena Canonero, The Grand Budpest Hotel.
Winner: Best Makeup and Hairstyling – The Grand Budapest Hotel.
Wes Anderson is going to be thanked a lot tonight.

02.13

Winner: Best Foreign Language Film – Ida.
Best moment of the night so far: Ida filmmaker Pawel Pawlikowski rebels against the Oscar play-off. They came in so early, stopped abruptly around the moment he thanked his late wife and parents. Yeah, that’ll do it. Orchestra came back for more, but we’ve already got a classic.

02.16

NPH doing a bit in the crowd. Ge feels like such a safe host right now, which isn’t expected. Wait, hold on, ‘Everything is Awesome’ is finally here and it’s completely insane. Lego Oscars for everyone!

02.25

Winner: Live Action Short Film – The Phone Call. You can watch this one over at IndieWire. Just make sure you bring tissues.

Winner: Best Documentary Short – Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1. Bit of a pattern here.
Academy Orchestra attempts another play-off and promptly cuts that idea short as winner dedicates award to her son who committed suicide. Unfortunate run of luck for the band so far.

02.42

NPH finally scores one with his Birdman send-up mashed with Whiplash.
Winner: Sound Mixing – Whiplash.
Two of the winners thank their families; the other jumps in with: ‘thanks to my crew, Mike and Dave, you guys are awesome.’ Awww, bro love.

02.52

Jared Leto to present Best Supporting Actress, ‘The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are four women and by California State law, Meryl Streep … I was a bit nervous about that one.’

Winner: Best Supporting Actress, Patricia Arquette (Boyhood), to everyone’s absolute surprise. Somewhere Alexa Chung is still bitching about her dress while Arquette uses the platform to forcefully demand equal pay rights for women, much to J-Lo and Meryl Streep's delight.

03.10

Winner: Best Animated Feature – Big Hero 6
And the orchestra make a cautious comeback in the play-off business, helping dispatch the Big Hero 6 surprise winners. Did any of the votes actually watch the animated films this year?

03.20

Winner: Best Production Design – TGBH.
Winner: Best Cinematography – Emmanuel Lubezki (Birdman), the DoP’s second win in a row after Gravity.

03.30

Meryl Streep is out to present the remembrance reel. This year’s is going to hurt and Meryl already seems like she’s on the verge. Gosh, maybe I’m getting older or something, but that list is astonishing. Perhaps more so for those lost way too early. Er, some jerk chose to leave Joan Rivers. How do they do this every single year? Lame.

03.45

Winner: Best Editing – Whiplash. Tom Cross is absolutely deserving, this ceremony could make use of his skills.
Winner: Best Documentary – CitizenFour.

Okay, this should be interesting, everyone prepare to get uncomfortable. Very polite applause from the supposedly liberal crowd (not including Clint) for what was a very political speech. Maybe these fancy rich folk don’t want to rock the boat too much – too many secrets on their phones perhaps? NPH makes a predictable joke about the film’s subject unable to attend ‘for some treason’. Sky Movies pundits apparently have nothing to say about the award. Carry on everyone, nothing to see here.

04.00

If the Oscar for Best Original Song went to the best performed on the night, 'Glory' would hands down win – John Legend and Common totally killing it. Not even a contest. David Oyelowo is in tears.

David Oyelowo crying was POWERFUL #Oscars pic.twitter.com/8sLUdvZN0P

— FashionweekNYC (@FashionweekNYC) February 23, 2015

Then we’re back to the dreary NPH (who ever thought we’d say that?), though to be fair he makes great comeback with Benedict Cumberbatch-John Travolta-Ben Affleck gag. Callback alert! Gets even better when Travolta comes out with Adele Dazeem, er, I mean Idina Menzel … oh no, John, what are you doing? Leave that woman's face alone.

Winner: Best Original Song – ‘Glory’ (Selma).

This is a great moment and probably the speech of the night. Common: ‘This bridge was built on hope, welded with compassion and elevated with love for all human beings.’ John Legend: ‘There are more black men under correctional control today that were under slavery in 1850.’ What a speech! You get a cry, and you get a cry, everyone gets a cry!

04.15

This ceremony is never ending. At least they're saving the best for last. Lady Gaga smashes her Sound of Music tribute out of the park, getting a standing-O and is joined by Julie Andrews on stage.

04.30

Winner: Best Original Screenplay – Birdman.
Iñárritu stages a mini fight back against the orchestra so his screenwriting partners can thank their families.

04.40

NPH hasn’t been seen in some time, we still have a lot of awards to go and only a few hours before we’re due at work. #somethingsgottogive

Winner: Best Director – Alejandro González Iñárritu (Birdman). His good luck charm is wearing Michael Keaton’s pants from the film. TMI, dude.

04.50

Winner: Best Actor – Eddie Redmayne (The Theory of Everything).
Winner: Best Actress – Julianne Moore (Still Alice).

Michael Keaton's gum is devastated.

This can't be happening! Quick, someone launch me into Eddie Redmayne's mouth! #MichaelKeatonsGum #Oscars2015

— Michael Keaton's Gum (@KeatonsGum) February 23, 2015

05.01

We finally get the pay-off for NPH's long-milked box gag – it’s not Gwyenth Paltrow’s head. Disappointing overall for NPH – Fey-Poehler is the ticket for 2016 please. Grumpy Sean Penn comes out to present the Best Picture category, which pretty much sums up the mood we’re all in at this point.

Winner: Best Picture – Birdman.

Well, that feels like a shock. Birdman winning Best Picture leaves Boyhood with only Best Supporting Actress to show for 12 years of work – we’d be very surprised to see Richard Linklater get another shot at this, he just doesn’t make Oscar-baiting films. Not that we’re suggesting anything about Alejandro González Iñárritu, honest. ‘Two Mexicans in a row. That's suspicious,' says Iñárritu.

05.10

That’s all folks, see you again for more nonsense next year.

'Birdman' Wins Best Picture at the Oscars