Dear Ian Netflix, 

It’s been drawn to my attention that you’ve decided to bring the golden age of television to an end and let audiences settle for the risk averse, identikit bibble known as ‘mid TV’, a dreary facsimile of decent telly with all the interesting bits stripped out. As a profoundly mediocre human being, I’m more than qualified to hurl some ‘mid TV’ ideas your way and demand payment for my effort. None of these formats will cost you blockbuster levels of cash (although, again, you must remunerate me immediately) and all will lure in people who need background noise while they watch teenagers dance to Taylor Swift on TikTok. 

Warren Peace How do you make a prestige literary adaptation cost effective? Simple: dress cutesy-wutesy bunnies up as Russian generals for a loose mash-up of War And Peace and YouTube-adjacent animal videos. Expect convoluted plotting, fervent rutting and the palpable threat of myxomatosis. 

Cosy Murder Dating Club People will watch literally any old gumph if it has the word ‘cosy’ or ‘murder’ or ‘dating’ in it, especially if they get to feel like they’re part of a club. Cast Miriam Margolyes as the lead and insist she goes off book with a celebrity anecdote every 15 minutes. 

Grand Designs Hostage Situation: A True Crime In Real Time A live taping of Grand Designs in which Kevin McCloud (who’s been injected with a delirious cocktail of rage-inducing drugs beforehand) takes a middle-class couple hostage inside their self-funded building site, giving bloodthirsty audiences the chance to witness a ‘true crime in real time’. For every design decision that doesn’t adhere to his ‘vision of the dream home’, the frothing presenter will go ballistic and kneecap someone.

Loads of sequels to Planet Of The Apes For whatever reason, people can’t get enough of apes as talking political point scorers. A few to get you started: Plutocracy Of The Planet of the Apes; Peninsula Of The Planet Of The Apes; Broadly Democratic Simian’s Republic Of the Planet Of The Apes; Small Flat Of The Planet Of The Apes; Downstairs Cupboard Of The Planet Of The Apes; Universe Of The Planet Of The Apes; Crevice Of The Planet Of The Apes; Motorway Junction Of The Planet Of The Apes; Geographically Remote Communist Republic Of The Planet Of The Apes; Punnet Of The Planet Of The Apes; and finally, Pamphlet Of The Planet Of The Apes. That should cover at least one season. 

Rich Shits Explains itself. 

Anyway, Ian Netflix, I expect payment for these ideas in full. Seven or eight million seems more than fair. Payment by postal order, for tax reasons. And if you need any more slop (and, given your recent output, I’ve got no doubt that you do), I’m always available. 

Kind regards, 
Dr Kevin Fullerton, 
Fully Accredited Idea Maven.