There are few things more frightening to a man in his thirties than the sudden invitation to a WhatsApp group titled ‘STAG’. The next word I saw sent a chill down my spine: ‘Vegas’. No, surely not. I gave up drink and drugs ten years ago, after spending years as one of their most enthusiastic ambassadors. Could I go on a debauched lads’ holiday to Vegas sober?

And then I remembered: these were my school friends. We weren’t, you might say, the alphas of our secondary school. We were the nerds, bound together by teenage acne and our lack of sporting ability. Dweebs as teens, dweebs as adults. This group of lads had now graduated to the nerds of adulthood. They work for tech firms and IT departments. This wouldn’t be a rowdy affair. 

‘Remember to bring your Nintendo for the Mario Kart tournament,’ one message read. This was the speed I was happy with. The itinerary included laser tag (where we demolished a group of ten-year-olds) and bubble football (different ten-year-olds, same result). It was wholesome. 

Our last night was the gear shift I’d been nervous about. ‘Let’s take some edibles and go and see Blue Man Group.’ I declined, and went to see Jerry Seinfeld instead, anxious that my sobriety was excluding me from the fun. I needn’t have worried: the group’s lack of experience in drug-taking meant the edibles made them immediately fall asleep, missing the show entirely, but well rested for the flight home. 

Liam Withnail performs two filmed recordings at Monkey Barrel, Edinburgh, Saturday 14 December; work-in-progress at The Stand, Glasgow, Thursday 30 January.