One that sticks out most is a walking holiday I took with eight bastards round Middle Earth about six thousand years ago. Got a bit tasty that. Sparks flew when I posited one does not simply walk to wherever it was we’d booked an Airbnb (fyi an active volcano). My three preferred methods of taking any kind of long trip are a) shire horse b) funicular railway and 3) heady cocktail of mind-altering drugs.

Alas, I got outvoted and thus calamity followed us around like a strong wind follows a gentle quiche. CGI Squid. CGI avalanche. Actual cave troll. You name it, we got ambushed by it. We even started fighting amongst ourselves, much to my chagrin. One of the little fellas with no shoes on got right mardy when I offered to carry his jewellery for him. I think at one point he might even have disappeared. Although that could have been the heady cocktail of mind-altering drugs I took anyway kicking in . . . Long story short, some orcs who’d quite clearly double-booked our chalet turned up, took umbrage and muggins here ended up taking six arrows to the right tit. AGAIN. Blew me big horn. Carked it. Classic me.

Adam Riches As Sean Bean In The 12 Beans Of Christmas is on tour Friday 29 November–Friday 19 December; picture: Matt Stronge.