First record you ever bought
Bought? You didn’t buy records in my day, you liberated them at parties. To this day the intro to ‘Light My Fire’ can cause me a soiling issue through excitement.

Last extravagant purchase you made
A TV Licence in 1973

First film you saw that really moved you
The Vikings starring Kirk Douglas. I wore leggings made out of tea towels for three weeks afterwards.

Last lie you told
See question two: I never bought a TV licence.

First movie you went on a date to
The Thomas Crown Affair. I went with my then girlfriend Mary. Afterwards we tried to recreate the chess playing scene with beer bottle tops. The seduction was working until the conductor came upstairs and made us get up off the floor of the bus.

Last time you cried
Cubillas' free kick, 1978.

First thing you do when you have time off work
Work? Excuse me; I need to borrow a dictionary.

Last great meal you cooked
My wife’s father died of a heart attack in 1983. I cooked a bacon sarnie for her by way of consolation. The Lord giveth, the lard taketh away.

First crush
Father McMallon. I hung around him all summer hoping to be abused. He was a good priest who only had eyes for his housekeeper.

Last great book you read
It was a slim volume. Okay, it was a booklet: ‘State Benefits and You.’

First great piece of advice you were given
Never walk into an underpass with a carry oot.

Last time you were starstruck
I was accidentally vaporised by Brad Pitt in George Square. He thought I was a zombie but I’d just been for a refreshment in Bridge Street.

First thing you'd do if you ran the country
Declare a dictatorship and have Catriona Shearer bear me an heir.

Last meal on Earth - what would it be
A tofu burger - only because it would take me three years to finish it.

First song you'll sing at karaoke
‘Beautiful’ by James Blunt. That usually clears a space to the bar.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
I often exploit my position as an over-loud, rancid drunk which gets me an unoccupied long seat to stretch out on the subway back to Govan.

First time you realise you were famous
I forget. But three fine upstanding young neds gave me a kicking recently in Tradeston. When they realised who I was they asked me if they could do it all over again so they could put it on YouTube.

Last time someone criticised your work
Work? You appear to have mistaken me for a Rumanian fruit picker.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
That fat ****.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
While drunk in the Fairfield Club I rashly purchased a gnu. My wife refused to believe me when I told her it was a dalmation with a skin condition. Luckily, the gnu took a shine to Jamesie Cotter. He bought it dinner and, well, you can guess the rest...

First concert you ever attended
In our living room, one Saturday night in the 1950’s. It was considered a great social disgrace in those days not to assault the air with a vocal rendition at a party and you’d sit in an agony of nerves or excitement, according to temperament, awaiting your turn to sing. I managed to squeak out a tremulous version of ‘Begin the Beguine’ otherwise I’d have been obliged, through ignominy, to run away and sign on as a cabin boy on a tea clipper.

Last time you bought somebody flowers
Let’s see, when did I first win Mary’s heart? I can’t remember. Anyway, that night she got pollened up so I peeled back her petals and slipped in my stamen.

First object you'd save from your burning home
That would have to be my cherished collection of Faberge eggs which I keep with my genuine John Bellany painting in the boot of my new Porsche Boxster which is parked in my living room. At least that’s what it says on my home contents policy from the Pru.

Last funny thing you say online
Two wee lassies from Tarfside singing ‘Glesga Nature.’ If you’ve not already seen it, check it out [below].

First job
I had a labouring job in the shipyards. Admittedly, it was a while back. We had a contract for three longboats and a galleon.

Last person in the world you'd sleep with
Julianne Moore. If you had a night with her who’d want to sleep?

First word you spoke
‘Time to pay, your honour?’

Last crime you committed
I actually paid my gas bill. How dumb is that? It’s not a crime; I just deserve to be locked up.

First song at your wedding
‘Yesterday’

Last song at your funeral
‘The Laughing Policeman.’

First person you'd thank at an awards ceremony
A negative pig of a maths teacher who once told me I’d never get anywhere in life. His sneering face has long spurred me on and adorned my mental U bend.

Last thing you recommended to someone
Buying shares in Woolworth’s.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
Did I need to go during the night? Do I need to slop out?

Last think you think of before you go to sleep at night
Must remember to buy a scratch card.

As told to Ian Pattison, writer of Rab C Nesbitt.

YouTube: glesga nature