First record you ever bought
The ‘Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’ 7”. And what!?

Last extravagant purchase you made
A Balenciaga jacket.

First film you saw that really moved you
E.T.

Last lie you told
I’ve never lied. Ever.

First movie you ever went on a date to
No idea. Cinema is a terrible place to date. No talking.

Last time you cried
My dad’s funeral.

First thing you do when you’ve got time off work
Twiddle my thumbs and find something to occupy my time with.

Last great meal you cooked
Sunday roast.

First crush
Liza, a girl in my primary school. Ended up giving her a black eye. She pitched, I was batting. Ball straight in the eye. Surprisingly, I never got with her.

Last book you read
Am reading Keith Richards autobiography, Life. Might as well know a little about what I’m getting myself into.

First great piece of advice you were given
Real friends will never be a hindrance to you.

Last time you were star struck
Walking into the men’s at the rehearsal studios. Nearly knocked Tom Jones out with the door. Apologised then realised who it was. Perhaps it was more shock than being star struck?

First thing you’d do if you ran the country
Employ a second in command. Take a holiday.

Last meal on earth – what would it be?
A fruit smoothie with ecstasy in it. At least I’d go happy.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke
‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ is always a good way to get things going.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
I got free Nando’s yesterday.

First time you realised you were famous
When someone asked me for a picture, then didn’t pass me the camera to take it.

Last time someone criticised your work
Happens on a regular basis.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
Kind. Loyal. Cunt.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
In the words of Dappy … no regrets.

First concert you ever attended
Does Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat count? My gran dragged me to this.

Last time you bought someone flowers
My nan, not long ago.

First object you’d save from your burning home
My dog. Not so much an object but my priority all the same. And my Balenciaga jacket.

Last funny thing you saw online
The new Duck Sauce video where everyone’s genitals are human heads [‘Big Bad Wolf’ – see below].

First word you spoke
Cunt. Maybe that’s not true … or maybe it is, I am a born cockney after all.

Last crime you committed
It wasn’t me …

First song at your (potential) wedding
‘It Wasn’t Me’ by Shaggy.

Last song at your funeral
Anything by the Pet Shop Boys.

First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speech
Obama.

Last thing you recommended to someone
Beats by Dre iPod dock.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
Depends on who I’m lying next to.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
Why do I have to be up in three hours!?

Barrowland, Glasgow, Mon 28 Nov; HMV Picture House, Edinburgh, Tue 29 Nov.

Professor Green - Read All About It ft. Emeli Sande

Duck Sauce - Big Bad Wolf