Hello and welcome to The National By Numbers, our handy guide on how you can create an album in the vein of Brooklyn’s beloved white-collar whingers. Follow these rules and you too can successfully tread water by releasing basically the same album every two years. 

Rule one: Not sure how to end your song? Chuck in a brass section for the final minute to give the illusion of a grand finale. 

Rule two: Forget that you were once a cutting-edge act. Relax into middling rhythms with a single-mindedness that some may mistake for an artistic statement rather than a creative Sahara. 

Rule three: Recycle the gorgeous build of ‘Fake Empire’ as often as possible to open a song and hope nobody notices that you’ve descended into self-plagiarism.

Rule four: Continue your frontman’s lyrical slide from inspired character studies to vague lovelorn melodrama. Allow him to use empty phrases like ‘everything’s different, why do I feel the same?’ and ‘I thought we could make it through anything’, both found on the woefully titled ‘Once Upon A Poolside’. Pretend that this walking, talking word-salad generator isn’t in need of new inspiration.

Rule five: Include celeb mates Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers on backing vocals to reel in the young crowd, and Sufjan Stevens to prove you’ve still got cultural cachet. 

Rule six: Get Berninger to do that raspy shout once on lead single ‘Eucalyptus’, but without the visceral thrill of ‘Mr November’ or ‘Terrible Love’. The last thing anyone wants from their beige guitar rock is to get the blood pumping. 

Rule seven: Maintain the kind of glacial pace that’ll send listeners to sleep but remain toothless enough for 6 Music’s daytime playlist. Either way, even ardent fans will only listen to half the album before flicking back to Boxer. 

Congratulations! You’ve just successfully created a workaday album by The National. They clearly followed these rules themselves for First Two Pages Of Frankenstein, an album that may as well have been called Business As Usual or Padding At Our Next Arena Gig. Shouldn’t we expect more from this generation’s REM than a pale facsimile of their heyday?

First Two Pages Of Frankenstein is out now.