Alan Cumming has added many strings to his fiddle during a long career in entertainment. Having recently hosted The Traitors US, he now returns to our screens in season two of Schmigadoon! For our probing Q&A he talks dolphin sex, midnight sweat and unsolicited airborne arousal.

^{Picture: Alain McLaughlin}

If you could relive any day of your life, which one would it be? Probably one of the many days I said something in public that I got in trouble for. Not that I regret saying them, I just wish I hadn’t had to talk so much afterwards about why and what I meant. But actually, fuck it, no. I don’t think I would live any day again. I’m on a forward trajectory at all times.

Tell us something you wish you had discovered sooner in life? That life is just the same show with different costumes, and what goes around really does come around. And if people have made up their minds about you there’s no point in trying to change them. That Shakespeare was right when he said: ‘To thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.’

Describe your perfect Saturday evening?   Cooking dinner for friends, drinking and shooting the shit, having a sing-song round the piano, popping over to Club Cumming for a wee dance, home to doggy cuddles and the joy of not having to set an alarm.

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt? Oh you know, the usual suspects: Thatcher, Trump, the guy from my fave 80s band Dollar who became a Tory councillor.

What’s your earliest recollection of winning something? I won a camera in a raffle when I was in primary school, and because of it I realised that I saw things differently.

Did you have a nickname at school that you were ok with? And can you tell us a nickname you hated? No and no, because it will only encourage the propagation of both. Instead, I will tell you that on Instinct, the TV show I did a few years ago, my nickname was Soup because I imbibed so much of it as my go-to snack between takes. 

If you were to start a tribute act to a band or singer, who would it be in tribute to and what would it be called? 

Probably Kate Bush and I think the combination of our surnames would make for a title you probably don’t want to print!

When were you most recently astonished by something? Yesterday I saw a sweet shop in New Jersey that had a model of the Statue Of Liberty holding a lolly instead of her torch, and a packet of Oreos instead of the tablet in the other.

^{Alan Cumming in Schmigadoon!} 

Who would you like to see playing you in the movie about your life? Who do you think the casting people would choose? Tilda Swinton. Su Pollard. 

What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you home!

If you were to return in a future life as an animal, what would it be? Dolphins have sex up to 50 times a day, and they don’t seem like addicts. I’d give it a go.

If you were playing in an escape room name two other people you’d recruit to help you get out? I’ve actually only done one escape room but it was with the mentalist Jason Suran and Neil Patrick Harris who is a total magic and escape-room geek. They were all over it and, although we got out with barely seconds to spare, I would do it again with them in a flash.

When was the last time you were mistaken for someone else and what were the circumstances? It’s been a while but people sometimes mistake me for Pee Wee Herman, and Paul Reubens told me he gets mistaken for me. 

What tune do you find it impossible not to get up and dance to, whether in public or private? Right now I am obsessed with Pink’s ‘Never Gonna Not Dance Again’. I am not happy with the syntax but I love the song. But I get up and dance anywhere. I’ve always danced like nobody’s watching.

What’s the best cover version ever? I’m kind of obsessed with The Ethel Merman Disco Album. Every one’s a winner.

Whose speaking voice soothes your ears? Tam Cowan and Stuart Cosgrove from Radio Scotland’s Off The Ball. I know they don’t exactly scream soothing, but whenever I hear them I feel so happy and full of laughter, reminded of home.

Tell us one thing about yourself that would surprise people? I’m really good at making food for large numbers of people. I have no wisdom teeth. I could go on . . . 

What’s a skill you’d love to learn but never got round to? I have a ukulele sitting next to me as I write this and I am determined to learn how to play it soon. Also I constantly say I am going to learn Spanish and haven’t quite yet. But most of all, I would love to be able to do that underwater spinny thing when you swim lengths so that you don’t stop at the end of each length, and you just shoot off up the lane again. I think it’s sexy and also means nobody has a chance to talk to you either. 

As an adult, what has a child said to you that made a powerful impact? An ex-partner’s little brother once asked if we’d had sex the night before. When I asked why, he said we smelled of midnight sweat. 

When did you last cry? On a plane watching a film. I always cry on planes. It’s the pressure, apparently. I also get uncalled-for erections because of it too. 

What’s the most hi-tech item in your home? The house itself. It’s full of little doors that open up. There’s also a video screen and you can call to different rooms, and answer the door and all sorts. Of course, we’ve never used it.

Which famous person would be your ideal holiday companion? Nigella Lawson. For the chat and the laughs and obviously the snacks. And she would understand my sun phobia.

If you were selected as the next 007, where would you pick as your first luxury destination for espionage? Arran. It’s as likely a candidate as me being selected as the next 007. 

By decree of your local council, you’ve been ordered to destroy one room in your house and all of its contents. Which room do you choose? I think it would be the room I’m in right now so that I wouldn’t have to answer stupid questions like this one.

The second season of Schmigadoon! airs on Apple TV+ from Wednesday 5 April; The Traitors US is available on BBC iPlayer.