Charmingly hapless and apologetically posh wordsmith Ivo Graham is out on the road with My Future, My Clutter. In our Q&A, this erudite stand-up talks interdental water flossers, parallel parking and his regret at not having discovered capers sooner.

^{Pictures: Matt Stronge}

Who would you like to see playing you in the movie about your life? Hard to find the right mid-point between self-aggrandisement and self-deprecation to this hospital pass of an opening question, but I think that mid-point is probably Michael Cera.

What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘The steaks are too high!’

If you were to return in a future life as an animal, what would it be? Penguin please: great look, great life, plus that deep reserve of jokes and facts.

When was the last time you were mistaken for someone else and what were the circumstances? There’ve been some flattering comparisons to Liverpool keeper Alisson and chess grandmaster Magnus Carlsen in recent years, but I’m not sure there’s ever been any doubt about me actually being them (crucially, I am rarely goalkeeping/playing chess).

What’s the best cover version ever? I’d be letting down my mid-noughties NME-subscribing brethren if I didn’t say The Futureheads’ ‘Hounds Of Love’ here.

Whose speaking voice soothes your ears? Adam Buxton (walking his dog). Mary Anne Hobbs (breathily teeing up some 11am techno).

Tell us something you wish you had discovered sooner in life? Capers. The West Wing. Taking pride in my personal appearance.

Describe your perfect Saturday evening? Mum’s carbonara, family game of Ticket To Ride, and Match Of The Day but we don’t know the scores.

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt? Bezos! 

If you could relive any day of your life, which one would it be? The day my daughter was born. Or the first day of Glastonbury 2014.

What’s your earliest recollection of winning something? A history prize at prep school. I won a copy of Roy Strong’s The Story Of Britain that last week, 23 years later, I gave to a local charity shop, still unread. Shameful.

When were you most recently astonished by something? Rose Matafeo, one of the most brilliant compendiums of pop knowledge I’ve ever met, not recognising Shakira’s ‘She Wolf’.

What tune do you find it impossible not to get up and dance to, whether in public or private? Dwayne Johnson’s ‘You’re Welcome’, though I am usually being commanded to do so by a four-year-old.

Which famous person would be your ideal holiday companion? Kirsty Young, the ultimate expert in island living.

As an adult, what has a child said to you that made a powerful impact? ‘Can we watch Frozen on your phone?’ Halfway through a performance of the Frozen musical.

Tell us one thing about yourself that would surprise people? I own two copies of Dean Windass’ autobiography.  

When did you last cry? Aftersun did an absolute number on me from start to finish.

What’s the most hi-tech item in your home? An interdental water flosser that I simply refuse to believe is as game-changing as my father says it is.

What’s a skill you’d love to learn but never got round to? Parallel parking. 

By decree of your local council, you’ve been ordered to destroy one room in your house and all of its contents. Which room do you choose? There’s a second bathroom we could probably survive without, though I’d be sad to say goodbye to the Mario Kart posters.

If you were selected as the next 007, where would you pick as your first luxury destination for espionage? Tokyo: my birthplace, and so a neatly symmetrical place to get inevitably bumped off.

Ivo Graham: My Future, My Clutter is on tour until Thursday 22 June.