Who would you like to see playing you in the movie about your life? Who do you think the casting people would choose? If it’s a big-budget Hollywood movie, Timothée Chalamet. For Netflix it would be Big Gerry Butler. And for STV it would be Fish.

What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘He fell down the stairs.’ That is a joke, funny story, or procedure that is completely unacceptable in a modern, inclusive police force, and we would like to apologise to anyone who is triggered by that punchline.

If you were to return in a future life as an animal, what would it be? A unicorn. Another Scottish icon.

If you were playing in an escape room, name two other people (well-known or otherwise) you’d recruit to help you get out? Pablo Escobar and the wee Scottish boy from The Great Escape. Both excellent escapees.

When was the last time you were mistaken for someone else and what were the circumstances? I was once mistaken for the chief of the fire brigade, as I was snoozing on a camp bed while watching Cash In The Attic.

What’s the best cover version ever? ‘I Fought The Law’ by The Clash, because the law always wins!

Whose speaking voice soothes your ears? My own, and you can hear it soon as I release the audiobook of my autobiography No Apologies.

Tell us something you wish you had discovered sooner in life? That all human beings are capable of fundamental change. And air fryers. 

What tune do you find it impossible not to get up and dance to, whether in public or private? Currently it is ‘Hot To Go!’ by Chappell Roan. Or anything by Megan Thee Stallion.

Describe your perfect Saturday evening? Arresting Hearts fans for noise nuisance as they wail in the streets after being spanked by Hibs.

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt? I don’t need to be a ghost to terrify the bams. The threat of me or my force making an appearance should be enough to deter all criminal activity in Scotland.

If you could relive any day of your life, which one would it be? Any arrest is a good day. Except the wrongful ones where we have to let them out later. When we do, we sincerely apologise to them even when it wasn’t our fault.

Did you have a nickname at school that you were ok with? And can you tell us a nickname you hated? Cammy at school. Sir in the force. Online I have been referred to as Cam The Bam, Chief Wiekelson, Chief Freakelson, Chief Commissioner C****: it is not big, it is not clever, it is a hate crime and you will be prosecuted once we’ve worked out how to enforce the appropriate accompanying legislation.

If you were to start a tribute act to a band or singer, who would it be in tribute to and what would it be called? The obvious answer would be a tribute to The Police called The Rozzers.

When were you most recently astonished by something? This morning when we had our monthly blue-sky meeting and I casually invented the double-ended baton. Astonishing. I make it my mission to astonish myself on a daily basis. Haven’t missed a day for seven years now.

Which famous person would be your ideal holiday companion? David Attenborough would be amazing, talking you through all the flora and fauna on your trip. Unless you were on a city break. Then, once he’d pointed at a pigeon you’d feel he was just there for the free food. Or Simon Calder from The Independent because he always seems to know the best deals.

As an adult, what has a child said to you that made a powerful impact? As a young officer, I once chased down a bag snatcher. I returned the stolen bag and the grateful woman pulled out a soft sheep-like toy and gave it back to her daughter. As her smile replaced her tears, that young girl looked up and whispered ‘thank you Mr Police.’ And those words, that girl’s gratitude, is why I am a policeman. That, and the healthy pension provisions. 

When did you last cry? In this job, it can be easy to become hardened, for your empathy to become calloused, so crying rarely comes easily. But watching the Hibs defence will do it. 

What’s the most hi-tech item in your home? I own a hi-tech games console upon which I often play Grand Theft Auto. It compromises my principles but at the same time is tremendous fun.

What’s a skill you’d love to learn but never got round to? I am still perfecting my ability to remember every one of my passwords to all the devices and information I have to access. And not make them all ‘p_assword’. Not that any of them are ‘p_assword’. ‘P_assword’ is, and I can’t state this enough, not my password.

By decree of your local council, you’ve been ordered to destroy one room in your house and all of its contents. Which room do you choose? Possibly the room that includes the photos of all the people I’ve dressed up as at police fancy-dress parties over the years. Great fun but different times and probably no longer relevant today.

If you were selected as the next 007, where would you pick as your first luxury destination for espionage? Airdrie. That’s where we think the hacker lives that keeps changing my Wikipedia page.

The Chief is available on BBC iPlayer now and airs every Thursday on BBC Scotland; main picture: Jamie Simpson.