The Q&A: Fiona Allen
Having made a name for herself as one third of the Smack The Pony sketch team, Fiona Allen is now a successful stand-up and has appeared on small screens in EastEnders and Waterloo Road, and on much bigger screens for 24 Hour Party People and The Fat Slags. Ahead of her latest assault on the Edinburgh Fringe with some White Lies, she tackles our Q&A to talk messy bedrooms, soothing voices, casting choices and rock masterpieces
Who would you like to see playing you in the movie about your life? Who do you think the casting people would choose? Think I’d like to see Bad Bunny cast in this. Of course it would be a disaster. Doubt very much he’s been to Lancashire but I like that he’s vocal, does what he likes and is passionate about everything. Or Rosalía. This would not fly with casting directors so guess they would choose the opposite.
What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘No, it’s always got water in it!’
If you were to return in a future life as an animal, what would it be? A silverback gorilla. One: because they feed and nurture their ‘family’ (that’s me cooking every day for a family that never stops eating); and two: they are massive in size. Just covering myself in case I put three stones on.
If you were playing in an escape room name two other people (well-known or otherwise) you’d recruit to help you get out? Definitely Brian Cox because he can analyse the situation using his hugely bright brain and physics his way out. And I’d follow. Second ‘person’ would be my dog. He’d sniff out a weak spot in the wall.
When was the last time you were mistaken for someone else and what were the circumstances? It was Meryl Streep in Waitrose. Ok that’s not true; it was a massive white lie…
What’s the best cover version ever? I’d say Jimi Hendrix’s cover of ‘All Along The Watchtower’ because he transformed a folk ballad (which I liked) into a swirling, explosive and dense rock masterpiece.
Whose speaking voice soothes your ears? David Attenborough’s voice has to be the most soothing on telly. Also my mum’s voice with her soft Spanish accent and all she has to say.
Tell us something you wish you had discovered sooner in life? I seriously wish I’d discovered 360 degree parking cameras earlier. I have zilch spatial awareness. I reversed into a tree stump once. To be fair it was short but if I’d just had those sensors I wouldn’t have needed a new bumper.
Describe your perfect Saturday evening? That depends on the seasons. Hot summer evening: in my lovely garden. Autumn: dog walks crunching through leaves. Winter: in front of a roaring fire. Spring: flopping around at home.
If you were a ghost, who would you haunt? Probably everyone in The House Of Commons. Especially when they announce a terrible policy. I’d just love to go in and shake up that space.
If you could relive any day of your life, which one would it be? Yesterday. Well, just the morning. I was confronted with two massive spiders. I swear they get bigger every year. I saved them and put them outside. They probably moved back in when I wasn’t looking.
What’s your earliest recollection of winning something? I was reading a comic called Whizzer And Chips and won 100 stamps from around the world. Oh, and I won Pass The Parcel at a kids’ party once but there were about two Smarties in it so I wasn’t impressed!
When were you most recently astonished by something? Yesterday. Actually, not just astonished, I was flabbergasted. In fact, I was astounded. Because my youngest daughter started clearing out her bedroom. If I was someone who could faint I would have just for dramatic effect.
What tune do you find it impossible not to get up and dance to, whether in public or private? As soon as I hear anything Latin or Cuban I can’t help but move. But this is definitely in private. DEFINITELY. I am not someone who rushes onto a dance floor.
Which famous person would be your ideal holiday companion? I can’t think of anything worse. I don’t want to sound antisocial but I would never go on holiday with anyone other than my lot at home. Is that weird?
As an adult, what has a child said to you that made a powerful impact? When my kids were little and they’d have friends round, I used to sometimes mess about and try and make them laugh. A few times they stopped playing, looked at me and said: ‘Are you a grown up?’ I suppose there’s a compliment in there somewhere. They just thought I was a tall childish person. That made me realise just how childish I can be. I know for a fact I’ll be like that forever.
What’s a skill you’d love to learn but never got round to? I always wished I’d learned to master Aikido (I like the outfits). I think I’d like to fly a plane. Just because. Could be lovely on a sunny day in a blue sky going wherever I’d like to go.
By decree of your local council, you’ve been ordered to destroy one room in your house and all of its contents. Which room do you choose? I wouldn’t want to destroy any room in my house, but if I absolutely had to, then it would have to be my daughter’s bedroom. No, wait, she’s started tidying it up… I take that back. Hmmm, actually my bedroom. I decided I don’t like it so then I’d have no choice but to get new stuff. Hoorah. I like this question now; you’ve given me an idea.
If you were selected as the next 007, where would you pick as your first luxury destination for espionage? Firstly, I think I would take a superyacht to a remote luxury villa in Spain as a stopover (not saying where: it’s a secret). Then I would look at my assignment whilst eating a huge amount of tapas. Then I’d have a siesta. It comes naturally as I’m half Spanish. Then a black coffee (milky coffee after 11am in Spain is like asking for a well-done steak in France: not a good idea). Then hop on a plane to a secret destination to begin my journey in cyber espionage. Thinking about it, after writing that, my actual day today is going to be quite boring.
Fiona Allen: White Lies is at Gilded Balloon Teviot, Wednesday 5–Saturday 29 August, as part of Edinburgh Fringe.