Who would you like to see playing you in the movie about your life? Who do you think the casting people would choose? I would choose Lucy from Peanuts or Little My from the Moomins. Casting directors might be tempted by Brian Cox, which would also be fine.

What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘Don’t worry, there’s a fresh body every day.’ 

If you were to return in a future life as an animal, what would it be? A domestic cat. I’m drawn towards an indolent, eavesdropping life. I’d also enjoy scratching the furniture.

If you were playing in an escape room name two other people (well-known or otherwise) you’d recruit to help you get out? Tempted to say Matt Hancock as he can wriggle out of any shit, but being stuck in the same room as him would be nauseating. Christopher Brookmyre and Val McDermid are smart quizzers and good fun to be around.

When was the last time you were mistaken for someone else and what were the circumstances? People often think they went to school with me. My memory of those years are hazy, so maybe they did.

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt? I’d be a second-hand bookshop or library ghost, floating around the stacks, listening to conversations, giving readers mild frights.

If you were to start a tribute act to a band or singer, who would it be in tribute to? Wish I had the voice and moves to be a James Brown tribute act. I’d call myself the Odd Father Of Soul.

What’s the best cover version ever? 

Hard to beat Prince but Sinéad O’Connor’s version of ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ knocks his out the park.

Whose speaking voice soothes your ears? David Sedaris. Also there’s a random guy Andy on YouTube whose equal-breathing workshop helps me fall asleep. 

Tell us something you wish you had discovered sooner in life? Most people suffer from imposter syndrome.

Describe your perfect Saturday evening? A couple of margaritas then dancing at Andrew Symington’s occasional Glasgow soul night, Divine. 

When were you most recently astonished by something? Keir Starmer praising Margaret Thatcher.  

What tune do you find it impossible not to get up and dance to, whether in public or private? ‘Get On The Good Foot’ by James Brown.

When did you last cry? Yesterday.

What’s the most hi-tech item in your home? Does a milk frother count?

Which famous person would be your ideal holiday companion? I’d like to tag along with Alan Cumming and Miriam Margolyes.

Tell us one thing about yourself that would surprise people? I’m a neat freak around the house but my inbox is a mess.

What’s a skill you’d love to learn but never got round to? Parkour.

By decree of your local council, you’ve been ordered to destroy one room in your house and all of its contents. Which room do you choose? I would tell the council to get to fuck.

If you were selected as the next 007, where would you pick as your first luxury destination for espionage? I’m involved in a project, Who Owns The Clyde?, with The Empire Café collective. My James Bond might embed themselves in Peel Holdings, pinning down how much land, water and airspace Peel own, how much public money they receive and what taxes they pay. Bond’s mission would be to uncover how land that used to be in public ownership has been lost to private businesses based in the Cayman Islands.

Louise Welsh appears at Topping & Company, St Andrews, Wednesday 31 January; Topping & Company, Edinburgh, Thursday 1 February; Music Hall, Aberdeen, Friday 23 February, as part of Granite Noir; To The Dogs is out now published by Canongate; main picture by Julie Broadfoot.