Who would you like to see playing you in the movie about your life? Who do you think the casting people would choose? Me or Idris Elba. But casting people would probably go for someone more obvious like Gerard Depardieu or Orinoco the Womble.

What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? Probably ‘so I got up and punched grandma!’

If you were to return in a future life as an animal, what would it be? A mayfly. They only live for one day. Not to be confused with one of those ‘24-hour bugs’.

If you were playing in an escape room name two other people (well-known or otherwise) you’d recruit to help you get out? James Timpson who runs all those key shops. Also, as a child I met Houdini. My lasting memory of him is... no, it’s gone! 

When was the last time you were mistaken for someone else and what were the circumstances? Several people have said to me ‘hey, are you Milton Keynes?’ I always say ‘yes’. And in a way it’s true, as we both spend a lot of time on roundabouts.

What’s the best cover version ever? ‘Duvet Know It’s Christmas’.

Whose speaking voice soothes your ears? The Tesco self-service checkout. It says things like ‘Clubcard accepted!’ and ‘we just need to approve this’. Although ‘do you want to continue?’ is a bit sinister. 

By decree of your local council, you’ve been ordered to destroy one room in your house and all of its contents. Which room do you choose? There is one room I’d like rid of. When I was growing up we only had an outside toilet. Later we moved into a house.

Tell us something you wish you had discovered sooner in life? Never put a live bird in the lavatory: a toilet duck is something else!

Describe your perfect Saturday evening? Oh, I just like to stay in and read. At the moment I’m reading The Bluffer’s Guide To Parachuting. Not sure how it ends. Then maybe I’d have a boil-in-the-bag-meal; you know, one of those goldfish you get at fairgrounds.

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt? Richard Dawkins. I think he’s the sort of rational scientist who doesn’t believe in them. But then there’s always the danger of him guessing that my existence was merely based on a theoretical question.

If you could relive any day of your life, which one would it be? Any day I worked as a bouncer. I loved that Spacehopper showroom.

What’s your earliest recollection of winning something? As a teenager I reckon I would have won laziest person of the year. If I’d entered. My brother won a prize for petty burglary. He got silver.

Did you have a nickname at school that you were ok with? And can you tell us a nickname you hated? I was called all sort of things at school. ‘Milkman’ was ok, but ‘Idiot’ and ‘Mr Thickie’ were a bit harsh. I hated being a supply teacher.

If you were to start a tribute act to a band or singer, who would it be in tribute to and what would it be called? I would perform as the diva Pariah Carey. At least the pressure would be off for drawing a crowd. Either that or Odd Stewart. 

When did you last cry? When for Christmas my family bought me a voucher for a clinic in Switzerland.

When were you most recently astonished by something? The price of a basic carwash in Barrow-in-Furness: £2.99! Almost worth driving up there from London!

What tune do you find it impossible not to get up and dance to, whether in public or private? The noise the green man makes at a pedestrian crossing. I think that’s what The Beatles were doing on that album cover.  

Which famous person would be your ideal holiday companion? The man who invented Frosties: Alexander The Grrrrreat!

As an adult, what has a child said to you that made a powerful impact? On his birthday, my nephew shouted ‘these are just large bits of cardboard: an Xbox is something else!’

Tell us one thing about yourself that would surprise people? I have several combs.

What would you say is the most hi-tech item in your home? I’ve managed to install a smoke alarm that you can put on ‘snooze’.

What’s a skill you’d love to learn but never got round to? I’d like to learn how to use a camera properly. I went on a photography course once, but it was all a bit of a blur.

If you were selected as the next 007, where would you pick as your first luxury destination for espionage? I‘ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. Imagine: it’s covered with ham and pineapple!

Milton Jones: Ha!Milton will tour the UK until March 2025.