The Q&A: Sue Perkins
Stand-up, broadcaster, author, Mel Giedroyc’s former comedy partner and ‘Croydon’s seventh-funniest brunette’ (her own words from way back), Sue Perkins returns to the live stage with her Eternal Shame. Here, she confronts our brutal Q&A to tell us about beta blockers, badges and Bee Gees
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Who would you like to see playing you in the movie about your life? Craig Reid from The Proclaimers.
Who do you think the casting people would choose? Charlie Reid from The Proclaimers. In truth, I’d be delighted with either.
What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? One’s a marsupial, the other’s a Geordie trapped in a lift.
If you were to return in a future life as an animal, what would it be? My dog. Never has a creature been doted on more devotedly. She has an orthopaedic mattress. I don’t.
If you were playing in an escape room, name two other people (well-known or otherwise) you’d recruit to help you get out? Tina Fey and the person who designed the room. Then we could walk our way out in no time and I could spend the afternoon telling Tina how cool she is.
When was the last time you were mistaken for someone else and what were the circumstances? Yesterday. Someone called me Mel. Standard. And always flattering.
What’s the best cover version ever? ‘Respect’. Aretha nailed it.
Whose speaking voice soothes your ears? My friend Nicola. The wisest of all the owls.
Tell us something you wish you had discovered sooner in life? Beta blockers.
If you were a ghost, who would you haunt? Every paranormal society I could find. Just to cheer them up.
If you could relive any day of your life, which one would it be? Pick one at random. There’s something wonderful, albeit often tiny, in every day that’s worth celebrating.
What’s your earliest recollection of winning something? I’m very good at coming second, so most of my memories revolve around being an also-ran. The first victory I remember is getting a Puffin Club badge through the post for being a voracious reader. It felt special. Until I realised that everyone under the age of ten got one.
Did you have a nickname at school that you were ok with? And can you tell us a nickname you hated? No one ever calls me by my actual name. Perks is standard. Perky. Perkalerk. Pookis. Piggy. Porkis. Any nickname is fine by me. But call me Susan and I will immediately panic, like I’ve done something wrong and the nuns are coming for me.
If you were to start a tribute act to a band or singer, who would it be in tribute to and what would it be called? I would form a band comprised entirely of dairy farmers who sing in a falsetto register. I’d call them the Brie Gees.
What tune do you find it impossible not to get up and dance to, whether in public or private? Most, tbh. I am drawn to dance like an aged moth to a flame. But ‘You Make Me Feel’ by Sylvester holds a firm place in my heart.
Which famous person would be your ideal holiday companion? Isabella Bird, the Victorian explorer and total legend. I figure she’d be able to do all the ‘putting up the tent and working out the route’ kind of stuff. I’d just cook and sing songs by the campfire.
Tell us one thing about yourself that would surprise people? I’m super into Japanese silk embroidery and UFC. Often at the same time. One is a perfect counterweight to the other.
When did you last cry? Today, listening to Dervla Kirwan reading Florence Knapp’s brilliant book, The Names.
What’s the most hi-tech item in your home? I have an iPad. Does that count?
The Eternal Shame Of Sue Perkins tours until Saturday 11 April; picture: Steve Ullathorne.