Who would you like to see playing you in the movie about your life? Who do you think the casting people would choose? I’d say Nicolas Cage but I think they’d choose Stephen Merchant. In both cases they would turn the job down.

What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? Number 91, are you in trouble?

If you were to return in a future life as an animal, what would it be? A butterfly (but not a caterpillar).

If you were playing in an escape room name two other people (well-known or otherwise) you’d recruit to help you get out? 1) Noel Britten. A friend of mine who loves escape rooms and has designed them too. He is an expert; 2) Glen Campbell. He has a nice singing voice.

When was the last time you were mistaken for someone else and what were the circumstances? Today I hooted at someone I didn’t know and they waved at me because they assumed I was a friend. I don’t have a car. I just have a hooter.

What’s the best cover version ever? ‘Let Her Down Easy’ by George Michael.

Whose speaking voice soothes your ears? I’m soothed by words more than voices, so anyone who says the words ‘lozenge’ or ‘specific’.

Tell us something you wish you had discovered sooner in life? Life actually is short. 

Describe your perfect Saturday evening? A light breeze, about 24 degrees, low humidity.

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt? That sounds a bit mean. I would refuse to haunt anyone. Go ahead and fire me.

If you could relive any day of your life, which one would it be? I was about ten and at a campsite with my family. We discovered that a mouse had given birth to lots of baby mice in the bag that our tent was kept in.

What’s your earliest recollection of winning something? The egg and spoon race, although I was subsequently disqualified because apparently you’re not allowed to use scrambled egg and a ladle.

Did you have a nickname at school that you were ok with? And can you tell us a nickname you hated? At one time I was called Rebel which I loved. The nickname I hated was Worzel because I thought it meant I had a pointy nose. Both were true. I was a rebel with a pointy nose. 

If you were to start a tribute act to a band or singer, who would it be in tribute to and what would it be called? This is an area I’m very interested in. I have done tribute acts to Elvis and Jim Reeves. I have been thinking about doing a Human League tribute act where I just sing to backing tracks and I’m called Phil Karaoakey.

When were you most recently astonished by something? Just now. The number of people who say to Judge Judy ‘she gave it to me as a gift’ is astonishing. Have they never watched the show?

Tell us one thing about yourself that would surprise people? I don’t think about jokes all the time.

What tune do you find it impossible not to get up and dance to, whether in public or private? I’m good at resisting that urge. As the old saying goes, ‘never dance like nobody is watching.’

Which famous person would be your ideal holiday companion? Marie Osmond. My first love.

As an adult, what has a child said to you that made a powerful impact? ‘Every nontrivial zero of the Riemann Zeta function has real part 1/2.’

When did you last cry? Yesterday. The last ten minutes of Undercover Boss USA.

What’s the most hi-tech item in your home? A tin opener with a silencer.

What’s a skill you’d love to learn but never got round to? Lip-reading Mandarin.

By decree of your local council, you’ve been ordered to destroy one room in your house and all of its contents. Which room do you choose? The kitchen. It’s the only room without any props in it.

If you were selected as the next 007, where would you pick as your first luxury destination for espionage? I had no idea Bond chose where he wanted to go. I thought he was sent on missions. I would choose anywhere in this country on the condition that the weather is sunny and warm.

Tim Vine: Breeeep! is on tour until Saturday 30 September. Full dates and locations available on his website.