Who would you like to see playing you in the movie about your life? Jamie Foxx.

Who do you think the casting people would choose? The little animated boy from The Polar Express.

What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘Because you’re a cunt’.

If you were to return in a future life as an animal, what would it be? My chihuahua, Pudding. Never been more envious of an animal’s life than hers: true zen.

If you were playing in an escape room, name two other people (well-known or otherwise) you’d recruit to help you get out? Ant (McPartlin) & Dom (Wood) and I’d leave Dick & Dec outside. Just reckon it would be good to see new double acts form. Shake things up a bit.

When was the last time you were mistaken for someone else and what were the circumstances? A guy got all excited in Glasgow and asked for a picture… he then said he loved me as Methadone Mick from Still Game.

What’s the best cover version ever? White Stripes’ ‘Jolene’: an almost impossible song to cover as Dolly is a living legend, but they manage it.

Whose speaking voice soothes your ears? Arlene from Forth 1. She also happens to be a living legend as well.

Tell us something you wish you had discovered sooner in life? Staying in.

Describe your perfect Saturday evening? Either playing to a packed-out theatre and having a belter of a show or staying in with my fiancée with good takeout food and a bottle of wine, watching a horror film.

If you were a ghost, who would you haunt? My old barber. He’s a nice-enough guy, I just reckon he’d be well confused.

If you could relive any day of your life, which one would it be? Probably one of the days I spent with my fiancée in New Orleans. That city is oozing cool and so is she. Great food, amazing music and a little bit spooky too. Perfect.

What’s your earliest recollection of winning something? Stuck a pound on a raffle at a party when I was about nine or ten. I won £100. Been chasing that high ever since.

Did you have a nickname at school that you were ok with? My middle name is John, so I very briefly got CJ going, which was cool because that was David Spade’s name in 8 Simple Rules, but it never really stuck.

And can you tell us a nickname you hated? Hate is a bit strong but I always got called Burnie Jr because my older brother was the original Burnie: no one loves getting Junior-ed when you’re at high school.

If you were to start a tribute act to a band or singer, who would it be in tribute to and what would it be called? John Mayer and I’d call myself John Mayer Or Less.

When were you most recently astonished by something? Richard Ashcroft singing ‘The Drugs Don’t Work’ with 50,000 singing along. Chills.

What tune do you find it impossible not to get up and dance to, whether in public or private? I’m a very reluctant dancer but ‘September’ by Earth, Wind & Fire is impossible not to dance to.

Which famous person would be your ideal holiday companion? Billy Connolly. I’d just want to hear his travel stories for hours and I reckon you’d get a few freebies if you were with him as he’s pretty internationally loved.

As an adult, what has a child said to you that made a powerful impact? My nephew asked me if he could be a comedian too; that’s pretty cool. I want kids from working-class places to know that the arts is for them too. But no, you can’t be a comedian because that’s my thing.

Tell us one thing about yourself that would surprise people? I’m not particularly social. I think in this line of work people assume you’re a social butterfly when actually I’d rather stay in these days.

When did you last cry? At Oasis during ‘Don’t Look Back In Anger’. I’d had a few pints and genuinely felt like I was in the middle of a pretty magical moment.

What’s the most hi-tech item in your home? Underfloor heating in the bathroom. Not particularly hi-tech but I’ve never had it in a house until we moved here and it rocks!

What’s a skill you’d love to learn but never got round to? I really want to learn Gaelic.

By decree of your local council, you’ve been ordered to destroy one room in your house and all of its contents. Which room do you choose? WC. Doesn’t have a shower or bath in it, only a toilet and sink. Also ‘water closet’ pisses me off: it’s a jobbie cupboard.

If you were selected as the next 007, where would you pick as your first luxury destination for espionage? Ecclefechan. No reason, it’s just fun to say.

Connor Burns: Gallus is touring the UK until Saturday 28 March 2026.