The Q&A: Nosferacula
Nosferacula has been a staple of Romanian nightlife since the 15th century, slaughtering the local population and regularly hosting feeding parties in his baroque castle. As he launches his latest reign of carnage on All Hallows’ Eve, this ravenous creature of the night tackles our Q&A to tell us about folk troupes, favourite goat herders and that time he gorged on an Olympic gold medallist
Who would you like to see playing you in the movie about your life? Who do you think the casting people would choose? I’m a little behind the times (I last visited a cinema in 1924), but I suppose I’d choose Rudolph Valentino if he’s still going strong. Although I imagine those cheeky scamps on the nickelodeon lots would prefer a strapping swashbuckler like Douglas Fairbanks.
What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘And then we sliced his neck, opening a flood of arterial spray across the banquet hall.’ It gets me every time!
If you were to return in a future life as an animal, what would it be? The only animal I can’t transmogrify into is a lemur (can never get the eyes right), so that would be interesting.
If you were playing in an escape room name two other people (well-known or otherwise) you’d recruit to help you get out? Probably Davyd, an escapologist I murdered in 1887, and his assistant Mildred, now a succubus I keep shackled in my basement. I suppose she’d be a bad pick as she hasn’t been able to escape my castle for more than a century! Oh, I do make myself laugh.
When was the last time you were mistaken for someone else and what were the circumstances? I’m often mistaken for a lone waft of mist before I lure my next meal into a back alley. The confusion, I’m sure, makes the victim feel very foolish.
What’s the best cover version ever? ‘Leliță Săftiță’ by The Wallachs, a Romanian folk troupe I discovered in 1773. I loved them so much that they became the resident band in my castle for the next century, before meeting the sharp end of a stick from a group of local peasant farmers who accused them of possessing the local wildlife. Their deaths made me sad for a while, but I soon discovered that bobbing their severed heads to and fro while I hummed ‘Leliță Săftiță’ provided much the same effect.
Describe your perfect Saturday night? Like anyone, I enjoy the simple things: a quiet night roaming the castle, hunting local ramblers in the surrounding area, communing with the wolves. To top things off, I cosy up in the crypt with a flayed corpse by my side. The voluminous thrum of flesh soothes me.
If you could relive any day of your life, which one would it be? The day I was turned. The sun on my skin, Sarafin the local gypsy healer reading my fortune, us both slaughtering a chicken for its insight into the demonic realm. Good times.
What’s your earliest recollection of winning something? I fed from an Olympic gold medallist in 1976, though I forget his name. I often wear his medal while prowling my castle.
Did you have a nickname at school that you were ok with? And can you tell us a nickname you hated? ‘Vlad The Peasant Kicker’ was always a popular name at school, though I felt it was unfair. I’d only kicked 40 or 50 peasants, while Vlodovich the goatsman had maimed at least ten. Slelovan the herb polisher, meanwhile, had quite a few peasants chained up in his barn. Yet it is I who was viewed as a peasant kicker! I’m sure we can all relate.
If you were to start a tribute act to a band or singer, who would it be in tribute to? I would pay tribute to Sarafin the local gypsy woman, whose frantic throat singing would attract quite the crowd while we hung local peasants for sport.
What tune do you find it impossible not to get up and dance to, whether in public or private? ‘Dancing Queen’ by Abba.
What famous person would be your ideal holiday companion? Hirschovolach, the famed goat herder of the village I grew up in. His passion for goats crosses the line for some, and is illegal in most countries, but it gives him an edge that few other herders can match.
As an adult, what has a child said to you that made a powerful impact? ‘Please, I’m only ten. I have my whole life ahead of me.’ This made me pause for thought. Adult males have significantly greater blood flow than puny children. So I chained him in my basement until he was 20 before I dispatched him. It taught me a valuable lesson and I now only feed from children on special occasions.
Tell us one thing about yourself that would surprise people? I’m actually a really approachable guy!
When did you last cry? Unfortunately, my tear ducts dried up in 1650. If water touches my eyes, they will perish and I will become blind. Though perhaps it was when I was forced to feed on Sarafin the local gypsy woman after she refused to accept my new demonic form. It was a sad day.
By decree of your local council, you’ve been ordered to destroy one room in your house and all of its contents. Which room do you choose? I will CRUSH and DECIMATE any council that dares cross me. The Great Fire Of London (which I started by the way) will look like a delightful day out as I torch their homes with all their families inside, before turning their children into demonic entities who will serve loyally by my side amongst the armies of the apocalypse. These governmental lackeys will watch their puny existences disintegrate into the pits of hell before a building regulation can pass from their lips. Failing that, probably the utility closet.
If you were selected as the next 007, where would you pick as your first luxury destination for espionage? What is 007? A blood type?
Nosferacula: The Feeding, Bran Castle, Romania, every night when the sun has fallen; a wider East European tour is expected to be announced later in the year.